2 Beliefs That Prevent Us From Working Through Big Emotions

We bind ourselves to our emotions when we suppress and numb our feelings. We're afraid of feeling uncomfortable emotions, and in the process of avoiding them, we suffer and get addicted to habits that are destructive.A

Historically, Western society has considered feelings childish and weak. Emotions don't matter. Don't bring them into the workplace. And for goodness' sake, pull yourself together and don't let them spill out all over the place. Leave your emotions at the door.

This belief is a joke because emotions are not like shoes you can slip off. You can't take something off that's on the inside. And, ironically, the more we try to ignore our emotions and stuff them away, the more they keep us captive, sitting on the throne of our life, ruthlessly running the kingdom.

Sure, research shows some people are more emotional than others, but research also shows everyone feels emotions, and this is true regardless of gender, age, or culture. Laughter, crying, sorrow, despair, stress, joy, calm, frustration, anger, peace—we've all felt them.

Since they are often considered frivolous or inappropriate—especially the negative ones—you may have buried them, hidden them, swallowed them, or used any number of substances to squash them, maybe even to the point that you aren't even aware of them, but they most definitely are there.

See that? Five emotions in a moment. BOOM. It's guaranteed that our ancestors didn't have to deal with even a fraction of the number of emotions in a day we do in a few minutes, thanks to our technology.

Research by Rob Cross, professor of global leadership at Babson College, shows just how these small stressful experiences—which he appropriately calls "microstressors"—can accumulate and create a toll on our minds and bodies.

Although nothing really "big" happened, you are wondering why you feel like you've been through a war zone by the end of the day.

I've asked audiences from around the world what their society taught them to do with their big, bad negative emotions.

I invite you to think about your answer to this question before reading on.

Stuffing emotions seems to be a quasi-universal phenomenon and expectation. I say quasi because an audience member once pointed out that this was not the case for his southern Italian family, where vehement emotional expression is considered good for the heart.

However, even if you're from an emotionally expressive family or culture, you undoubtedly have to deal with suppressors and personal moments of suppression.

Take a minute to think about this question: How is suppression working out for you?

Tragically, although suppression is the No. 1 most popular technique people use to handle difficult emotions, it is also the absolute worst and most unsuccessful one. Research shows it makes you feel worse, damages your health, and, ironically, ruins the very relationships you're trying to maintain.

Suppression leads to a host of unfortunate outcomes, including having fewer close friends, more negative emotions, less social support, lower satisfaction with life, poorer memory, and elevated blood pressure.

Depressing, I know, especially given how practiced we are at it. To top it off, it doesn't work! Research shows that suppressing emotions does the opposite of helping you: It makes emotions stronger. Take anger, for example.

As it is, we know that anger increases inflammation, heart rate, and blood pressure. It activates your fight, flight, or freeze stress response. Your nervous system goes into high-alert mode, expending significant energy, straining your physiology, and increasing inflammation. No surprise that anger is correlated with heart disease.

What happens when you suppress anger? You may look less angry, cracking one of those stiff, tight-lipped, "everything's just peachy" smiles, but at the level of the brain, we see the emotion itself gets more intense! There is greater activation in the emotion centers of the brain and in physiology. Your heart rate and blood pressure get even higher than they already were. Suppression is the equivalent of taking a soda can and shaking it up. Everything looks the same until you pop the top, and it squirts up your nose. No wonder it eventually makes you more likely to explode in a way that has onlookers wondering when you're due for your next psychiatric appointment.

An emotion is "action potential," or energy. If it isn't processed, it lands somewhere in your body or psyche—unresolved, festering, and generally causing problems. If anger (or resentment or jealousy or any negative emotion) doesn't explode, it can implode, showing up somatically with stomachaches, migraines, or other physical symptoms.

Being from Northern Europe—part German, English, and Finnish, cultures where burying your emotions way down deep is the norm—I have a black belt in suppression. So I was the queen of stomachaches for most of my suppressing life.

Suppressed anger can also come out as passive aggression—ouch! Anyone who has experienced passive aggression knows how it can degrade relationships over time like a slow-burning fire.

In sum, emotional suppression, the world's No. 1 most popular emotion management technique, keeps you bound. When you hide your emotion, you are stuck to it. Resisting emotions gives them free rent on prime real estate in your mind. It keeps you captive, not free.

On the other hand, full-blown emotional expression is usually not a superior option for obvious reasons. I don't recommend temper outbursts, but I have not always found them easy to control—especially during the sleepless postpartum years when my tank was hovering near empty. The husband doesn't prefer temper outbursts.

The only heated thing he appreciates is the saunas he takes to sweat out his marital stress. Thankfully, he is generous in his forgiveness of my occasional fire (I have his Catholic faith to thank for that).