I'm A Neuroscientist Psychiatrist: This Is My Go-To Trick For Conquering Anxiety

A 2021 survey of 2,000 older adults backs this up: An overwhelming 72% of the respondents said that in their 40s, they quit worrying about what other people thought of them—and doing so increased confidence and happiness. 

When your self-esteem is based on gaining approval from others, it increases self-criticism, feelings of failure, anxiety, and depression. This is especially apparent on social media. With the advent of social media, depression among adolescents rose from nearly 9% in 2005 to over 11% in 2014, according to a 2020 study in the International Review of Psychiatry1. 

Approval seeking puts your brain at risk, too. A brain-imaging study2 revealed specific chemical reactions in the brain to both positive feedback and negative criticism. This means that others' evaluations of you can literally change your brain, and those changes may not be beneficial to you. Additional research in the Journal of Anxiety Disorders3 shows that fear of negative evaluation is associated with social anxiety.

Don't worry, you don't have to wait until you turn 60 to take advantage of the 18-40-60 Rule. Here are a few tips to implement it at any age:

If you tend to believe that others are thinking critically of you—"She's not very smart" or "He didn't deserve that promotion"—your mind is likely infested with what I call mind-reading ANTs. Even trained psychiatrists with 40 years of clinical experience like me can't tell what someone else is thinking unless they ask them. A negative look from someone doesn't mean they are mad at you. It could just mean they are constipated! You just don't know. If you catch yourself mind-reading, remind yourself that you can't know what they're thinking.

Stop beating yourself up for making mistakes. We all do it. If someone points out something you've done wrong, just remember that they've slipped up at some time in their life, too. Nobody is perfect.

When you have clarity about your sense of self, it's much easier to know if your behavior fits your values. This way, if someone criticizes you for something that isn't truly important in your life, it won't sting as badly.  

People's words can cut like a knife. To minimize the pain someone's critique may cause, take a few deep breaths to calm yourself.

Whenever you feel like you might have let someone down or haven't lived up to their expectations, take time to focus on your best attributes. Write down a list of your achievements in life, your best qualities, and the names of people who support you. Likely, you will see that you have far more positive attributes and supporters than you thought.

Put it on your desk, tape it to your bathroom mirror, or store it in the notes app on your phone. Whenever you find yourself fretting about what other people are thinking of you, look at it and remember that most people are thinking about themselves, not you.