What Is Toxic Positivity? A Deep Dive Into Why You Should Avoid It

There's nothing wrong with looking on the bright side and trying to remain positive when times get tough—but there comes a point where so-called positive thinking can actually become toxic. Whether you're exhibiting toxic positivity toward yourself or another person, here's why it's a problem and how you can avoid it.

In the past year, the phenomenon of toxic positivity has received more and more attention. Some dealt with the pandemic by forcing themselves into a positive mindset, while others were quick to call out the invalidating and borderline gaslighting nature of toxic positivity.

Toxic positivity involves seeing certain emotions as "negative," such as anger, sadness, or any other uncomfortable feeling. When these difficult emotions arise, you completely push them down, insisting that you must stay positive. People can also do this to others when they say things like "Just look on the bright side," or "At least..." to avoid truly holding space for you.

If you're dealing with toxic positivity, you may notice a sense of guilt whenever those "negative" emotions arise, or as Kemmerer describes it, judging yourself for what you're experiencing. You may be upset with yourself for even feeling these emotions in the first place.

One telltale sign of toxic positivity is to focus on gratitude as a way to bypass your emotions. That's not to say gratitude is a bad thing, but it can be when you're using it to invalidate yourself. As Spinelli notes, we can do this to others, too. For example, a friend or family member dictating that you should be grateful or count your blessings during the pandemic when you felt fear, she says, is toxic positivity.

Just because someone else is seemingly handling a tough time "better" than you, that's no reason to start comparing. As Spinelli explains, in the world of social media, it's easy to feel like everyone else is more positive than you and that you should be more positive too. But looks are deceiving, and everyone handles things in their own way. Avoid comparing yourself to others, and vice versa, others to you.

Even if you truly believe everything does happen for a reason, it's still important to feel and process your emotions in the moment rather than rationalizing them away or over-spiritualizing them. This isn't unlike spiritual gaslighting, and it's just another way to avoid the pain you (or someone else) is feeling.

And not only does it not allow us to process our own emotions, but according to Spinelli, it can also create feelings of self-judgment, heightening the inner critic and negatively affecting self-esteem.

Explaining that you want to feel the tough emotions before looking on the bright side, or want to be more OK with processing and feeling them, should get the message across.

"This usually leads to them feeling shamed and misunderstood," she adds.

At the end of the day, it's really all about balance. Balance between positivity and being honest with yourself; gratitude and grief; and finding the silver lining without rushing the healing necessary when we're hurting. Being able to stay positive in times of trouble is great and can help with resilience, but the truth is, processing and integrating tough emotions builds resilience, too.