9 Signs Of A Toxic Family & How To Deal With It, From Therapists

First things first: What does it actually mean to be toxic? As doctor of clinical psychology Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, previously wrote for mindbodygreen, "A toxic person is someone who regularly displays actions and behaviors that hurt others or otherwise negatively impact the lives of the people around them, and they're usually the main instigating factor of a toxic relationship."

As such, we can arrive at a definition of a toxic family, too: A toxic family is one wherein family members regularly display actions that hurt or otherwise negatively affect each other.

Neo adds that it's important to distinguish being toxic from acting toxic, noting that "the first is when it's ingrained in our personality, and we actively enjoy hurting others; the second corresponds to aspects of our behaviors."

Right off the bat, any kind of abuse—physical, mental, or emotional—is a sign of a toxic person and environment. Both psychotherapist Annette Nuñez, Ph.D., LMFT and licensed marriage and family therapist Rachel Zar, LMFT, CST make this point clear, with abuse being the farthest end of the toxicity spectrum and undoubtedly the worst in terms of how it affects a person.

Another big tell of a toxic family member or household is how you feel around them. As mentioned, this can include a range of feelings, from depression to anxiety to low self-worth and feeling like you're walking on eggshells.

From childhood onward, being in a toxic environment or around toxic family members will quickly take its toll. According to Nuñez, it can lead to depression, anxiety, and a general sense of "walking on eggshells" in your own home.

"It can also affect one's self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-love," she tells mbg. "And oftentimes, when an individual is in a toxic family or there's a toxic individual in the family, it's a highly anxious environment, which affects the way they view the house, their family but also other people and the world in general."

When it comes to handling toxic relatives in the moment, Nuñez says it's first important to identify what your personal boundaries are so that when they're crossed, you can recognize it and respond. From there, when your boundaries are crossed, you essentially have one of two options: disengage, or face it head-on (of course, knowing the latter is the more volatile option).

Nuñez notes that toxic family members often want you to engage—almost like they get off on it. "It's really important to identify what your boundaries are and to express those boundaries to the individual—that this is your bottom line. But if that doesn't go well, then disengage," she says.

"Give yourself permission to say, 'Hey, I feel angry or resentful, and I need to talk about this,'" licensed psychotherapist Babita Spinelli, L.P., previously suggested to mbg. Nuñez adds it's also a good idea to soften your delivery using language that's not directed at them, using "I" statements rather than "you" statements (i.e., "I feel sad when you make negative comments about me," instead of "You always criticize me and make me feel like crap.")

There's also an important component around self-empowerment that we would be remiss to leave out. As Zar explains, we think setting a boundary sounds like, "Hey, Mom, don't call me while I'm at work," but what it actually sounds like is, "If you call me during the workday, I won't pick up.'" Or, as another example, instead of "Can you not bring up politics around me?" you would say, "I will not participate in political conversations."

The difference is that the boundary is not a question; it's a clear directive, and more importantly, it's something enforced by your actions instead of waiting on them to change. Zar notes that boundaries only work when you can hold them yourself, regardless of the other person's behavior. As Nuñez points out, the only thing you can control is you.

If there was ever something to see a therapist about, it's unpacking toxic family dynamics. Some things are simply too deep and far-reaching to work through on your own, and that is OK.

"Find a professional you can talk to about identifying some of these toxic behaviors because oftentimes when an individual has toxic relationships within a family or somebody's toxic, they're unable to identify it because they 'think it's normal,'" Nuñez explains.

Last but not least, the hard truth of the matter is that sometimes change is not going to be possible within a family, or at least, it won't happen overnight. As Zar explains, if you've given your family opportunities to hear your needs and boundaries, and they're not receptive, that's on them. Unfortunately, it leaves you between a rock and a hard place.

Whether you decide to go no-contact, limit how often you see your family, or just try to put up with things as they are, being able to accept it for what it is will take some of that mental burden off.

"It's very, very hard to change a family dynamic without everybody's consent or agreement, so part of the work is accepting that this is the way that your family is going to show up," Zar says.

The bottom line is, every family has some issues but not every family is actually definitively toxic. When they are, though, it's important to recognize so you can unpack how those dynamics have affected you and from there, work on healing and repairing.