The Single Trait That Determines Your Success In Relationships & Attractiveness To Others

People fall into one of three categories according to Adam Grant, author of the runaway best-seller Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success: Givers, Matchers, and Takers. Grant's theories provide fantastic insight into romantic relationships. Whatever category you belong to can determine how happy you are in relationships as well as your attractiveness to others.

Have you ever felt, for example, that you were not good enough in a relationship? Has a significant other ever taken advantage of you? Did you ever feel you were giving your all to someone and ended up completely worn out? Then you may be a "giver." While the giver style has its apparent drawbacks, givers are also considered most attractive—and the most likely to have long-term love.

The trait people most highly value in potential romantic partners (both men and women) is kindness. Givers also tend to be affectionate, a trait that strongly affects the longevity of a relationship (not to mention your own).

Givers' strongest motivation is to take care of others and to contribute to their lives in positive ways. As a giver, you may often think about gifts for your partner or about things you can do for them. You always take your partner's perspective into consideration and may even ask what you can do for them. Clearly, givers are pretty awesome partners. Who wouldn't want a partner like that?

Givers who learn to successfully navigate a world with matchers and takers fare very well. Everyone loves them, trusts them, and supports them when they are in need. So why are givers also the least successful? Because some of them don’t figure out how to navigate that world, and others end up taking advantage of them. If you’re a giver, you’ve probably been there at least once, professionally or personally.

Grant offers a list of great ideas, but one that stood out to me was the idea of becoming a "mindful giver." Mindful of what? Basically, that the world has givers, matchers, and takers, and that if you watch people’s words and actions, you will know who's who. When you navigate romantic relationships, friendships, or business partnerships, investigate which category your potential partner belongs to and don’t get blown away by first impressions. (As noted above, takers are masters of first-impression charm.)

Then what? In a nonromantic situation, you can deal with matchers and takers by trying to adopt a matcher-like attitude. Start speaking in terms like, "OK, so we agree: You will do this, and in exchange, I will do this."

Picture a couple in which both partners always care for each other’s needs. When there is a fight, both are quick to offer apologies. Both live their lives with their partner’s best interests in mind.

If you can recognize yourself as a matcher or taker, congratulations on being so honest with yourself. Of course, because of givers’ affectionate, service-oriented qualities, it's probably in your best interest to find a partner who is a giver.

However, I’d like you to consider two things: Givers won't be fulfilled unless you support them as they support you. They will eventually feel worn out and perhaps even leave. In a recent study by Amie Gordon at the University of California, Berkeley, those who experienced more gratitude in their relationship also felt closer to their partner and more satisfied with the relationship.

They also tended to engage in more constructive and positive behaviors within the relationship. Ultimately, for a good relationship that benefits you, you will want your partner to be happy and will want to support them in return.