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How To Tell The Difference Between Sexual Attraction & Romantic Attraction, According To Experts

Julia Guerra
Author:
October 28, 2024
Julia Guerra
Health Writer
By Julia Guerra
Health Writer
Julia Guerra is a health and wellness writer reporting for mindbodygreen, Elite Daily, and INSIDER.
Image by Leah Flores / Stocksy
October 28, 2024
We carefully vet all products and services featured on mindbodygreen using our commerce guidelines. Our selections are never influenced by the commissions earned from our links.

Attraction is on a spectrum. There are different kinds and degrees: You can be attracted to how someone looks or how their mind works; it can be purely physical or deliciously passionate.

Some people can identify one from the other, but others struggle to understand the differences between sexual attraction and romantic attraction. Here's how to spot them.

What is sexual attraction?

Sexual attraction is purely physical, based on aesthetics, and is rooted in arousal. It occurs when seeing or imagining a person generates feelings of lust and physical closeness.

Clinical psychotherapist, Jennifer Nurick, M.A., a counselor, energetic healer, and the author of Heal Your Anxious Attachment, says this type of attraction will often lead to sexual fantasies of being touched by or touching the other person. 

Signs & behaviors of sexual attraction

1.

Interest in someone's physical appearance

Sexual attraction is physical attraction, meaning there is a physical interest in another person. "This is one of the bases for sexual attraction to be generated," clinical psychologist Aura De Los Santos, M.A., tells mindbodygreen, adding that the way a person dresses, how you perceive them to look (i.e., healthy or friendly), and body odors all impact physical desire.

2.

Physical responses

An interest in someone's appearance comes first, then a physical response to said person's appearance comes second. "Some people report feeling warmth around their genitals when they are feeling strong sexual attraction," Nurick says—a signal that the body is preparing for sexual activity.

3.

Sexual fantasies

It's common for arousal to spark sexual fantasies and visions in a person's mind of what they desire. 

4.

Feelings of tension & uncertainty

While sexual attraction can be thrilling, arousal can also bring up a host of complicated emotions. According to sex and relationship coach Aaron Frazin, this is common in people who have a history of rejection and can cause that person to move away from their desires rather than pursue them.

"If you study the experience in slow motion," Frazin explains, "you'll see that before the movement away, there will be a moment of focus on the other person and wanting them before repressing that urge."

What is romantic attraction?

If sexual attraction is the desire to close a physical gap between two people, Frazin defines romantic attraction as the yearning for emotional closeness between two people, akin to the security between best friends.

"You feel safe to express all or most of you and to be as you are," Frazin explains, adding, "You feel playful and curious around the person."

Signs & behaviors of romantic attraction

1.

Seeking emotional intimacy

Sexual intimacy is rooted in physicality, but romantic attraction is based not around a person's physical being but on who they are as a person. Ergo, when individuals experience this type of attraction, Santos says seeking closeness, being around one another, and taking a genuine interest in getting to know them on a deeper level is commonplace. 

2.

The development of love

As you get to know someone, and that romantic attraction grows and deepens, Nurick says love is cultivated "in the small moments of care, kindness, and connection."

3.

Envisioning a future with the other person

Physical attraction can be fleeting, but romantic attraction can be for the long haul. Whether you've fallen in love or are on the brink, Nurick says a sure sign of romantic attraction is the feeling of wanting to create a lasting bond and therefore a long-lasting relationship.

Sexual vs. romantic attraction

While sexual attraction and romantic attraction can overlap, they are not one and the same. You can be sexually attracted to someone but not romantically attracted to them and vice versa.

The main difference between the two is the part of you that is being attracted. 

"When you feel sexual attraction, your body is responding to the person with an inner yes,” Nurick explains. It's a purely physical desire that does not require emotional closeness. But, when you feel romantic attraction, Nurick says, "Your heart is telling you that you have met someone special." It is a desire for an emotionally intimate, human connection.

Can you be romantically attracted to someone but not sexually?

Sexual attraction often goes hand-in-hand with romantic attraction. This kind of physical intimacy can heighten a romantic relationship and contribute to the couple's overall satisfaction by deepening their connection.

That said, it is possible to be romantically attracted to someone but be missing that sexual component. In this case, Nurick strongly encourages individuals in a romantic relationship to explore what might be blocking the sexual attraction. 

"It is possible to be romantically attracted to someone, to enjoy their company and to feel that they would make a great life partner and not be sexually attracted," Nurick says, adding, "However, we know from the research that couples with a thriving sex life report greater relational satisfaction, so in the long term, it is worth exploring as a couple early in the relationship."

How do you know if it's love or sexual attraction?

Similar to how a thumb is a finger but not all fingers are thumbs, sex can be a part of love, but not all sexual partners are in love. For sexual attraction to become love, there has to be an intimate understanding of the other person on an emotional level. 

"Sex can be a powerful part of cultivating love and a forum for play, euphoria, and deep connection," Nurick says. It can be a building block in the foundation of a strong relationship, but a physical connection should not be confused with an emotional connection, especially in the early stages of sexual attraction.

To make sure you don't confuse the two, Santos stresses the importance of analysis—being realistic about what you're looking for from the other person and how your attraction manifests.

Different types of attraction yield different signs of attraction. Ask yourself, are you emotionally attracted to this person, or are you solely looking for physical satisfaction? 

"If, over time, you want to spend more time with this person, it may be love," Santos says. "If you only want to spend time momentarily when you feel sexual desire, it may be just sexual attraction." 

It's also important to note that having a strong sense of emotional awareness is key here. Romantic attraction is an emotional attraction; it's based on the connection and compatibility you have with a person on an emotional level. If you are romantically attracted to a person, Frazin clarifies, you feel a sense of safety and closeness.

If you are sexually attracted to a person, however, you'll experience emotions of heightened anxiety and tension, "but not too high that they are overwhelming," Frazin warns. 

The psychology behind attraction

Attraction is something that can grow, fluctuate, disappear, or change as relationships change or an individual's tastes and sexuality evolve. While more studies need to be done on the psychology behind attraction, what researchers have learned thus far is that attraction is largely subjective and highly personal; it is largely a reflection of what you desire, and said desire can be rooted in a myriad of things. 

For example, relationship coach and AASECT-certified sex educator Suzannah Weis tells mindbodygreen that, oftentimes, a person's attraction patterns reflect childhood wounds1.

"If you had a parent who was emotionally unavailable to you, you may be attracted (romantically or sexually) to lovers who are distant," Weis explains. This can lead to a domino effect of toxic relationships, which is why Weis stresses the importance of speaking to a professional to help identify and put a stop to these potentially harmful patterns. 

Conversely, Frazin says that attraction can be rooted in another kind of desire: to acquire character traits we ourselves do not possess. "Studying who you want to seduce can reveal traits you're trying to 'consume' externally that you want for yourself internally," Frazin explains.

However, being with someone who has a trait you want (think strength, confidence, intelligence, etc.) won't fill the hole you're internally grappling with. "Ask yourself what difficult feeling are you trying to avoid by dating this person? The healing happens when you paradoxically give yourself permission to feel that feeling and still love yourself," Frazin adds.

Of course, these are just two examples of the many factors that can contribute to what attracts one person to another. In a 2021 study published in the journal PLOS ONE2, researchers surveyed over 7,000 individuals between the ages of 18 and 65 years old on what traits they prioritize in a sexual partner.

Results showed that personality traits, physical build, and attractiveness were of high importance for men and women. Age, intelligence, and education were evenly rated, and income was not a main priority. And though there were general similarities, attraction, like beauty, was subjective.

The takeaway

There are different kinds of attraction. Some, like sexual attraction and romantic attraction, can feel similar and confuse the relationship.

To get a better understanding of what you're feeling, identifying the differences and similarities between sexual attraction and romantic attraction is key. 

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