Narcissists Do These 6 Things Around The Holidays — Here's What To Do About It

I remember when the holidays were volatile with my narcissistic ex. One moment, I had fun and felt loved; the next, I was shattered, shaking, and blaming myself.

He told me love was hard. I eventually believed that was the price to pay for being in a relationship until I realized he had narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and was hurting me for fun.

You could be with a narcissistic partner, or there could be a narcissistic boss, friend, co-worker, parent, or-in-law thrown into the mix. You see, dark personality types' limbic systems and prefrontal cortices literally get hyperactivated when others are genuinely joyful and connecting. They get enraged because the holidays aren't just about them.

Narcissists know which buttons to press: the ones that make you upset, lose your cool, or put your nervous system into meltdown. First, they set the scene by creating last-minute emergencies or impossible scheduling conflicts, blaming you for chaos.

Once vulnerable, they overwhelm victims with repeated rapid-fire demands and criticisms. They may gaslight you by rewriting old holiday occurrences, exploiting your stress-compromised memory, and making you distrust yourself further.

I remember feeling sucker-punched one morning when I woke up thinking it'd be a good holiday for a change, and he shouted at me that he'd spent a lot of money paying for our friends' dinner. You see, he'd invited them and jumped in to pay.

What you need to know is that narcissists are expert thieves of joy. They wait for you to feel secure or happy before systematically destroying that.

Other common instances I hear from my clients include how they make you pay them back for what they gifted you, make you apologize when you're home for some ambiguous statement of how your behavior hurt them, smash your possessions, or keep you awake all night reciting a litany of your failures.

Every gift is a power play. My ex's mother would give us damaged goods. We dismissed it as failing eyesight until I realized it is a common thing narcissists do to tell you that you don't deserve anything good—that you're damaged goods.

Other narcissists use lavish presents to create obligations, as a transaction that you pay dearly and disproportionately for, forever. Some give deliberately disappointing presents, e.g., an apron, even if you've given them a list of what you want (that they definitely can afford).

The most obvious way a narcissist will mess with the holiday spirit is by denigrating the holiday season altogether. They might harp on commercialization, saying, "Everyone's doing this like sheep." They could also pull an anti-religion card, even if they know that it's important to you.

This is because virtue-signaling makes them look superior while trashing your joy or beliefs.

They might verbally commit to doing something or even draw plans with you, then disappear on that day itself or show up drunk or high while conveniently forgetting the occasion. Or, they deliberately forget your presents, dietary considerations, or schedule.

As technology evolves, so has the narcissist's repertoire, way beyond hacking your devices or creating fake accounts to catfish and stalk.

Some deliberately engineer for you to discover that a new group chat has been created without you, so you feel rejected, for instance. Others insist on being included in all family group chats to "stay connected," then use this to surveil and take screenshots for use as ammunition later or to triangulate people against each other.

Others might insist on being on video calls often or that you provide time-stamped photos and check-ins so they can keep track of you and dramatize tiny loopholes into full-on wars, gaslighting you that you were lying to them.

Narcissists are known to abuse substances due to high impulsivity, high entitlement, and low accountability. After the damage has been done, they easily blame it on the booze or even say it's from feeling depressed. There is always some reason with plausible deniability after they've flown into a rage or gotten paranoid or violent.

But if you show that you are in pain, fear, or sad the next day, they will tell you that you've hurt them by calling them out, and therefore they need to self-soothe with said substances.

It is also your fault for being a dull killjoy if you don't indulge in those substances together. They'll tell you they can't help it and they want to change and ask you to help them with their New Year's resolution. So, as a responsible person who loves them and cherishes the good memories you've shared, naturally, you lap that up and get suckered in further to clean things up.

You will be inclined to help or even tell yourself that "hurt people hurt people," especially if you still believe loving someone will make them better or that it's bad to abandon those you love.

Keeping your brain regulated means stepping away and taking three deep breaths correctly so that your fear center can go offline and the wiser parts of your brain can step in.

If you're tired of closing out yet another year sad but resigned to it, know that this is because, in narcissistic abuse, your nervous system is rigged toward you staying. And humans are naturally terrible at quitting bad situations. 

So if you're on the fence about leaving, put these incidents onto a list of all the bad things they've done because our abused selves selectively remember the good times. Gather the evidence as you gather your strength, and keep score logically so you have a frame reference anchored in reality. Because every day and month you stay makes it even harder to leave. Trauma compounds over time, and the only way forward is to leave and heal.