Micro-Trauma: The Subtle Experiences That Can Become Traumatic Over Time

We usually think of trauma as huge, monumental events in our lives that leave a lasting impact—things like domestic abuse or the death of a loved one. But micro-trauma is a subtler form of trauma that actually happens over time. Margaret Crastnopol, Ph.D., a Seattle-based psychologist and psychoanalyst who has studied the phenomenon in depth, defines micro-trauma as "seemingly insignificant experiences that are emotionally injurious to oneself or another. Because they seem so minor, they can easily be ignored, denied, or otherwise swept under the psychic rug." These subtly hurtful experiences can accumulate over time, she tells mbg, and they can eventually inflict psychological harm on your worth, security and well-being.

In other words, when these incidents stand alone, it's easier to move on from them relatively unscathed without it detrimentally altering your way of being or relating to others. However, when these events are strung together, we begin to form a mosaic colored with a demonstrated history of repeated, emotional wounding.

One of the most common types of micro-trauma are what Crastnopol calls little murders. "Little murders, straightforward or oblique onslaughts on another's sense of personal worth, are foremost among injurious modes of relating. A vast and various group of behaviors, they include off-hand insults, slights, mockery, back-biting, discounting, damning with faint praise, and back-handed compliments," she says.

If you've ever had a friend or a prospective romantic partner cut off all contact, you know how painful this can be. After all, you trusted them and thought you knew them fully. When someone withdraws abruptly, it can leave you feeling uncertain about your own judgments. I thought they felt the same. Maybe I was wrong. But then, was the whole relationship a lie? What was fiction, and what was truth? As you're navigating the situation, more feelings of insecurity can breed as you begin to question what you thought the relationship was, and ultimately yourself.

Most of us know someone who is overly resigned to their lot in life. They're almost stubbornly stuck in place, unable to move forward or backward. This is known as chronic entrenchment, and the ones who endure micro-trauma from this experience are actually the other people around the stagnant person.

Some people can be "locked into either a self-diminishing or overly self-contented attitude in a way that generates collateral damage in others," says Crastnopol. "It feels familiar and, in some way, suited to oneself. Much of the person's energy goes into proving that trying to grow would not only be folly but psychologically disastrous. ... When they make efforts to try to do things differently, they abandon them before they could possibly yield fruit."

It's radically important that you feel accepted and feel like you don't have to hide your true self and raw edges. When you don't feel sufficiently accepted by your peers, your partners, or your society, that chronic feeling of indignation can develop into trauma. 

To make matters worse, that chronic indignation can sometimes bring out uglier tendencies. Although anger can absolutely be healthy, for many people, reacting from a place of self-righteousness can often steer you to places that don't serve you or your relationships. 

Psychological airbrushing is "inflating oneself or the other by minimizing or covering over flaws," Crastnopol says. "A partner to airbrushing is a blanket attitude of 'excessive niceness,' in which one responds affectively to the other as if any flaws or failings they possess are insignificant or immaterial. When people engage in either of these sorts of covering up...it may leave others unable to grapple with areas of friction effectively." 

At the early stages when you begin to connect with someone, you sometimes rush into the intensity of the relationship without taking the time to understand each other's individual differences. Everything feels so great inside the bubble! Since you feel so connected, you can disregard your partner's dissimilarities to keep the perception of harmony strong. But if you continue to overlook your own values, thoughts, and ideologies to remain connected to theirs, it's a slippery slope to losing your individuality in the process and being totally enmeshed with your partner. 

Crastnopol characterizes this tension as "an intensified closeness that tends toward co-opting the other."

"Uneasy intimacy is the problematic stepchild of intimacy, a kind of insecure closeness that can feel thrillingly engaging but also unsettling. This form of intimacy is an alluring but confusing bond that ends up thwarting you more than helping you, undermining your belief in your own judgment and weakening your trust in others," she explains.

While mentor-teacher relationships and the like can be positive, too much influence can read as coercion and, over time, could debilitate your sense of esteem and peace of mind.

"The connoisseur's mindset involves a preoccupation with seeking ever greater refinement in his or her knowledge, mastery, or level of appreciation. This often ends up structuring a form of relatedness wherein the 'savvy' person—for better or worse—inducts another person into the intricacies of a given subject matter, field of endeavor, or a way of being," Crastnopol explains. 

It's important to sit down and process past emotions deeply to avoid bringing residual pains to the present. This can be done with a trusted friend or a trauma professional, who can help you lovingly remove these blockages from your life by talking about it.

"While you do not have to [explicitly] talk about your trauma, it's important you share your feelings and emotions with someone face to face, someone you trust who will listen with compassion. Talking about your emotions with another person can help shift the energy in the body, and you can receive positive support and validation," Rocha suggests.

There is no right or wrong way to release micro-trauma, so take it at your own pace. Healing from any trauma takes time.