The Psychology Of Connection: How To Build Resilience, Belonging, & Meaning

Resilience isn’t just about “bouncing back.” It’s about how we interpret challenges, how we cultivate confidence, and how we build deep connections with others. 

Gregory Walton, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Stanford University, has spent his career studying these psychological processes—how they shape our motivation, relationships, and even our success in school and work. His research shows that small shifts in mindset and social interactions can have profound, long-term effects on our well-being.

One of the biggest obstacles to resilience is how we interpret failure. Walton explains that many of us have been conditioned to see ability as fixed—either you’re smart, talented, or capable, or you’re not. 

This mindset, often reinforced by feedback and experiences in our lives, can make failure feel like a verdict rather than an opportunity. Instead of talking about "mindsets," Walton prefers to think in terms of questions and answers. 

When we face setbacks, we instinctively ask ourselves: Am I good enough? Can I really do this? If we don’t have a strong foundation of answers, we risk spiraling down—interpreting failure as proof of inadequacy, holding back, and avoiding challenges.

But there’s another path. If we can recognize struggle as a sign of growth rather than failure, we can spiral up. 

Words don’t just communicate ideas; they shape how we see ourselves and the world. In his book Ordinary Magic, Walton explores how language can either reinforce limiting beliefs or open up new possibilities.

For example, in school settings, students—particularly those from marginalized backgrounds—often wonder whether they truly belong. When teachers provide critical feedback, students may interpret it as proof that they’re not capable, or worse, that the teacher is biased against them. But a simple shift in language can change everything.

In one study1, 7th graders received the following feedback:

"I’m giving you this feedback because I have high standards and I know that you can meet them."

This small phrase significantly increased the likelihood that students took the feedback seriously and improved their performance. Instead of interpreting criticism as a sign of failure, students saw it as an investment in their potential.

We often assume that understanding someone requires taking their perspective. But research by social psychologist Tal Eyal, Ph.D.2 suggests the opposite: when people try to guess what others are thinking, they often project their own biases onto them. A more effective approach? Simply ask.

In Eyal’s studies, even brief conversations about neutral topics (like What’s your ideal Saturday night? or What European city would you most want to visit?) helped people become significantly more accurate in understanding each other’s emotions and preferences. 

The results? Couples who engaged in this exercise stopped their decline in marital satisfaction. By shifting perspective—even briefly—they disrupted negative cycles and strengthened their bond.

Walton’s research underscores a powerful takeaway: small, intentional actions can have profound, long-term effects on resilience, belonging, and meaning.