3 Tips For Helping (Not Enabling) A Friend With Anxiety, From A Clinical Psychologist

As a clinical psychologist, people ask me a lot of questions about mental well-being, both on social media and IRL. I recently invited my Instagram followers to ask me questions through the stories feature, and I received a ton of responses. Here is one recent query that stood out:

My take? If this scenario resonates with you, let me first say that striving to be a good friend is an absolutely admirable quality. If you have a friend with anxiety, it's perfectly reasonable to feel an urge to help—particularly if it's affecting their quality of life and your friendship. That said, I have a few key tips I encourage you to consider before springing into action.

When a friend says you don't understand what she's going through, you might actually consider agreeing with her. Then, invite her to tell you more, if she wants. This will help validate her experience of feeling misunderstood and also hopefully set the stage for more communication and understanding.   

Depending on your relationship with your friend, you might also mention that if her anxiety is making it unbearable to keep plans that are normally part of a healthy social life, it might be time to at least consider talking to a professional, to make sure she's getting whatever support she needs. 

While it's great to listen and be available, you don't have to pretend to be all-knowing in order to be a good friend. If she says that talking with you doesn't feel helpful, you might consider gently telling her you understand how frustrating the situation must be. Then, explain that you'd love to help more but that you think maybe the most useful thing you can do is help her seek out a therapist so she can get the knowledgeable, professional support she deserves. If fees are the barrier, you could offer to help her look into "low-fee therapy services," as there are many community-supported programs available.

While there are many ways you can help, remember this is ultimately your friend's issue to solve. Taking too much responsibility for it, or over-accommodating her by "suffering in silence" through constant canceled plans will not actually empower her to get the help she needs. Even therapists struggle with this: We want to be helpful, but at the same time trying too hard to "do it for someone" can deprive them of the healthy space they need to work on their own growth.