5 Ways To Help You Raise Emotionally Intelligent Boys 

Advocating for boys involves, first, understanding the threat posed by the social pressures they face. With a broader understanding of male development, parents are in a better position to take a stand for their sons' well-being. For example, when parents notice boys being forced by peer pressure or other influences to make narrow choices, they can intervene to reinforce his power to travel his own path.

For most boys, these pressures begin practically from the start, when an infant is shushed for crying and told to be a "big boy." Later, if the boy plays with dolls or other toys coded as female, he is likely to be redirected or even shamed. Inviting girls to his parties or having them as friends often elicits the same kind of gender po­licing. Later still, on sports fields or school playgrounds, pressures mount for boys to conform to stereotyped expectations: to love competition, play through pain, seek dominance, and so forth. On an almost daily basis, through adolescence, parents will find plenty of opportunities to remind their son that he is known and loved for who he is and that he can think for himself about how he wants to express and explore his masculinity.

Because the peer pressures of boyhood are so intense, it requires a strong sense of self to steer clear of negative norms. As parents, we need to remember that our connection with our sons is their primary fortification, preventing overcompromise. If they know that they are held in their parents' hearts, boys will hold them in theirs and, with them, their values. Strengthened, they will take on the world with greater independence.

Emotional awareness and expressiveness develop in relationship. Boys can be expected to share their feelings only where they are protected from shaming and judgments. When barriers and threats are removed, boys do not hold back: They long to tell their stories. At first, their feelings can be raw and unpleasant, even angry, and may be directed at their parents. But it is in the relationship with an unconditionally loving parent that boys discover how to do the hard work of staying connected even when their feelings want to push everyone away.

Boys' groups tend to separate themselves from adults, actively test the limits and power of adult rules, exert pressure on their members not to snitch, exclude and mistreat girls, and encourage members to turn to digital devices and substances to deal with suppressed feelings. Parents of boys will need to set limits and guide them away from the values of the peer culture. Unless the parent properly manages the times when the son acts out, he will have a harder time learning to restrain himself.

Three qualities are essential when holding a boy accountable: emotional acceptance, behavioral containment, and prosocial guidance.

The ideal of independence as a Lone Ranger–type isolation con­tinues to be a powerful cultural image. But in healthy development, independence is less the goal than autonomy achieved through ini­tiative, judgment, and confidence. To foster this end, parents must accompany their son through challenges without automatically taking over whenever he falters or makes a mistake. Rather, like a good coach, parents lend confidence and serve as safe receptacles for feelings of frustration or defeat as they arise.

In a counterintuitive way, autonomy actually emerges naturally in relationships rather than from pulling away or withdrawing. How ably parents manage both to stay connected to their sons and to be honest with them about important values and family needs may be the ultimate test of their ability to support their sons' inde­pendence.