Why Do We Get So Anxious At The Start Of A New Relationship?

The beginning of a relationship is full of butterflies. Though, as romantic as that all sounds, sometimes the fluttering isn't a giddy reaction at all; instead, it's an uneasiness that stems from something called early relationship anxiety, and it's a phenomenon rooted in the anticipation of the unknown.

Oftentimes, Flowers says, individuals experiencing early relationship anxiety will measure their sense of self-worth based on whether someone reciprocates romantic interest in them—often expected in the form of constant communication throughout the day, usually via text or social media.

Indeed, the signs that someone is experiencing early relationship anxiety are a little more apparent thanks to social media and smartphones connecting us to whomever, whenever.

According to Sanam Hafeez, an NYC-based neuropsychologist and faculty member at Columbia University, neediness in the form of sending multiple texts, holding your breath until you get a response, and then overanalyzing what they said is a telltale sign that you're deep in the trenches of early relationship anxiety. "Checking their social media constantly to see who they recently friended on Facebook and what comments were made," Hafeez says, is also a manifestation of this anxiety—one that never existed prior to 24/7 connectivity.

Other ways this anxiety shows up in your actions? Asking about love, about moving in together, constantly bringing up a vacation or event months in advance to test their commitment—basically, any subject matter having to do with the future can be a sign of early relationship anxiety. It's a way of putting out feelers to verify how the other person feels about the relationship.

There are a few reasons anxieties might flare up at the start of a relationship, but it all boils down to a combination of circumstances and how you react to those circumstances. For example, let's say you meet your S.O. at a bar or on a dating app; you don't know what to expect because every single thing is new. In that instance, Jane Reardon, a relationship expert and founder of the RxBreakup app tells mbg it's "quite normal to have some anxiety" because you don't have a history with this person, and you don't know if it will work out or if they feel the same way toward you. "Since there's no track record, you can also feel unsure that the person is who they say they are," she says.

Attachment theory is rooted in the idea that your experiences with love from a young age (i.e., how your parents showed you affection, how you were shown love in past relationships, etc.) will ultimately determine how you love now. There are four types of attachment styles: secure attachment (in which a person is confident in their relationship and stays bonded), anxious attachment (where someone needs constant reassurance from their partner that everything is all good), avoidant attachment (where you avoid intimacy at all costs), and fearful-avoidant (a combination of both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles).

Latoya Nelson, a licensed professional counselor specializing in anxiety, tells mbg that the first step in overcoming these deep-rooted emotions and how they are affecting your behavior is to put them into perspective. To do this, try writing your feelings in a journal or talk to a therapist to help you "identify the source and process feelings regarding it."

If you're experiencing early relationship anxiety, your feelings are valid and are often trying to relay valuable information, Juicebox coach and sex educator Stella Harris tells mbg. "It can be helpful to tell your partner how you're feeling," she says. "For one, it's helpful to set a precedent of honesty and transparency. Also, getting in the habit of asking for reassurances when you need them can be really helpful."

If your partner responds poorly to your need for reassurance—or if you don't feel comfortable asking for it from this person for whatever reason—then that's another reason to think through whether the relationship you're in is really the right one for you. After all, Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist, relationship coach, and the creator of Your Happiness Hypothesis Method, tells mbg you want to find someone who complements you and who brings out the best in you. 

Sometimes when you enter into a new relationship, you might try protecting yourself from reliving past hurt by doubting yourself and doubting the intentions of your partner. Instead of trying to prevent history from repeating itself, Silva suggests empowering yourself by "experiencing the relationship from a strengths perspective."

In other words, hone in on how this new bond enhances your life in the present moment. When you're focused on everything you're not getting from your new partner, it can be easy to get consumed by anxiety, longing, and frustration. But maintaining a practice of focusing on all the good stuff the new relationship is adding to your life can help dispel that negative energy and allow you to enjoy the ride—unknowns and all.