Active Listening: What It Means + How To Be A Better Listener

Have you ever found yourself fidgeting with your phone, averting eye contact, or struggling to ask relevant follow-up questions during a conversation? With so many internal and external distractions, it's not uncommon to stray from focus. However, that doesn't make a lack of listening any less hurtful to the speaker. If you're hoping to improve your listening skills, the most effective way is through active listening.

To assure the speaker that they're still following, an active listener will provide verbal confirmation ("uh-huh") and nonverbal cues (head nods, eye contact, etc.) along the way. "Someone who is skilled in active listening will be able to do this at times that don't interrupt the speaker's train of thought but rather helps them to fully express what they wish to say," Leeds explains. 

"When used in close relationships, active listening can foster an even deeper level of emotional intimacy," Leeds says. "Essentially, it provides the speaker with the space and attunement to be able to be vulnerable, which can enhance relationships both in times of peace as well as conflict." 

These six "microskills" of active listening were originally created by Allan Ivey, Ed.D., as a way to teach counseling techniques that can be used in everyday life. According to Rosenberg, the two most important elements are open-ended questions and reflective feelings—these help foster deeper, more trusting relationships:

When listening, pay attention to their words, their body language, and their tone of voice, Leeds suggests. "Then, the listener can ask questions to help them better understand, or provide comments that let the speaker know that their message is landing with them."

Examples include: 

"Asking open-ended questions and providing space for them to be answered fully helps people explore their experience more deeply," Rosenberg tells mbg.

Researchers call this the "echo effect2," and one study published in the Journal of Language and Social Psychology found people who do this are better at building likability, rapport, and safety.

Though you may feel inclined to solve their problem, or ask them how they're feeling, always put the observed feelings first, Rosenberg suggests. This might sound like: 

If you make the wrong assumption, the speaker will correct you, which then makes room for further conversation and understanding. 

After responding to a person's feeling or feeling tone, allow for a pause. Many people will continue talking to avoid awkward silences or to move the conversation forward, but Rosenberg says to wait a bit. "A few seconds at least," she says. "Enough to let an experience be felt. Enough to let the words land."

According to Rosenberg, confrontation should always come from a place of being positive, kind, and well intended.

Active listening creates intimacy in relationships by promoting a safe and trusting environment for the speaker. Implementing the six skills mentioned above, as well as the active listening exercises, can help those you speak to feel more understood.