I'm A Clinical Psychologist & Trauma Taught Me These & Invaluable Lessons

When we believe we’re in control of what happens to us, we’re setting ourselves up to fail. In truth, trying to avoid hardship is exhausting and pointless.

People we love die, relationships break down, our trust is broken, we can be hurt by others, jobs are not certain, and our health is not guaranteed. Trying to fight against the unpredictability and toughness of life is a bit like trying to stand up against the waves—they just knock you down. It’s better to swim with the current and accept that the waves will always keep coming. 

As scary as that may seem, there’s a relief in knowing it. It is only by doing this that we can really learn to live.

It’s the tougher times that fundamentally change us and restructure the way we think about our life. Distress and growth are not separate, but part of the same process. Humans have an amazing ability to adapt, and it is possible to become more resilient through trauma.

Any significant change alters us, but that change does not have to define us. Research shows that trauma can be a turning point1—a chance to re-evaluate our priorities, strip away the unimportant, and focus on what really matters.

I think about the movement between good days and bad as two rooms with an interconnecting door. There’s the "good room," where we like to be as much as possible. This is where we are when life goes well and we are managing; When we feel capable and connected to others. 

The room next door is the "struggle room," where we go when life feels unmanageable, and we're threatened with negative emotions like anxiety, fear, frustration, or anger. In each room, we think and feel differently, and when we’re in one room, it’s hard to remember that the room next door exists. 

In the good room, it’s tempting to imagine that all’s well, and that we are safe and will never come to any harm, but this can lead to us denying parts of ourselves or repressing negative emotions. When we’re in the struggle room, we feel overwhelmed and our problems can feel insurmountable. This can overspill from what we’re currently facing into other areas. 

Ideally, we need to try to keep the door open—it’s important to remember that both sides exist.

Stories are the fabric of our lives. The stories we tell ourselves don’t just shape our personalities, they become intrinsic to our self-identity, letting us understand how previous experiences have changed us.

Trauma shatters our fundamental assumptions about life and makes us question everything we thought we knew. Writing or talking about what has happened can help us to create shape out of the mess of trauma and find meaning. The trauma will never be forgotten, but you can choose how you respond to the past. 

This is perhaps the hardest part of overcoming trauma, but it is only when you grieve that you can make space for what you have gained. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting or ignoring what has happened, it's making a choice to release the past so it doesn’t continue to hold you back or hurt you—and you are no longer imprisoned by it.

This is a chance to move from the gap of all the unfairness, to the gain of what you do have. You have a choice: you can focus on the gap or on the gain. Being in the gap makes you a victim of your past, while being in the gain allows you to move forward and become present in your life again. 

Death is something we are often discouraged from thinking about, but doing so can be empowering. It can clarify life and act as a reminder that it is not materialism or external success that is most important. 

When we become obsessed by that final goal—thinking, hoping, and scheming about what’s ahead—it can blind us to all that we already have and the importance of having a daily life that fulfills us, rather than waiting for a time that never comes.

Two of the most valuable things we have are time and our relationships, which is easy to forget when we don’t regularly cherish them. 

Trauma brings into sharper focus what really matters and lets us think about what we want from life. Make the most of this moment, try to see it clearly, and channel what has happened into a determination to change things for the better.

When your inner and outer life are in sync, as in, your life aligns with your values and you have a strong sense of purpose and fulfillment, it brings a sense of wholeness, letting you feel grounded and anchored and giving a clear sense of what you are living life for.

Think about what's important to you and try to live a daily life that fulfills you. When you know why you are doing things and have a clear picture of what makes your life meaningful, it's like a guiding light and enables you to weather the storms.