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5 Ways To Speak Confidently & Get What You Want, From A Language Expert

Hannah Frye
Author:
October 19, 2024
Hannah Frye
Beauty & Health Editor
By Hannah Frye
Beauty & Health Editor
Hannah Frye is the Beauty & Health Editor at mindbodygreen. She has a B.S. in journalism and a minor in women’s, gender, and queer studies from California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo. Hannah has written across lifestyle sections including beauty, women’s health, mental health, sustainability, social media trends, and more. She previously worked for Almost 30, a top-rated health and wellness podcast. In her current role, Hannah reports on the latest beauty trends and innovations, women’s health research, brain health news, and plenty more.
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October 19, 2024
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While language habits don't actually clue you into someone's confidence, the way one speaks can make them seem more or less insecure than they truly are. For this reason, it's worth looking at your language habits and asking yourself: Do I speak confidently? 

If you're constantly apologizing for no reason and cushioning requests with filler words aplenty, this quick guide is for you. To come, five tips from a language expert to help you sound more confident. 

A quick PSA: Language cannot determine confidence

"I feel strongly that one cannot know from outward appearance, behavior, or language whether an individual has confidence or not, or how much," explains Deborah Tannen, Georgetown University linguistics professor and author of the New York Times bestselling book You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

Tannen adds that people with similar confidence levels (be they high or low) can behave and speak very differently. "An observer can't know, period," she says. 

That being said, it's important to acknowledge that many people, especially in the workplace, do think they can decode confidence from language. In short, it's worth being aware of the impressions you may give off. 

Beware of sterotypes (especially at work)

It's no secret that assertive language is often seen as confidence in men and aggression in women—an unfortunate stereotype all too common in the workplace. "That's the double bind: If you talk one way you lack confidence, if you talk the other way you're aggressive. It's a narrow path to walk," Tannen says. While you can't alone change the status quo, you can find a happy medium in your own language and check your bias when interpreting the tone of your colleagues. 

Tips to help you speak with confidence

Below are some common language habits that display confidence and security—keep these on hand for the next time you plan an important conversation:

1.

Limit unnecessary apologies 

Tannen notes that saying "I'm sorry," more than others in the room or more than expected (as in, when you don't really need to apologize) may be viewed as a sign of insecurity. 

She notes that, "There is nothing inherently wrong with saying 'sorry.' It is often just an automatic way of acknowledging others." 

So don't get down on yourself if you're a chronic over-apologizer, but try to limit the condolences when it's sure to be unnecessary. 

One way to do so: Sub in the term thank you and see where it gets you. For example: 

  • I'm sorry I'm late. → Thank you for waiting to get started.
  • I'm sorry I forgot to do that. → Thank you for reminding me about that.

Don't let this hold you back from apologizing when you should (that won't show confidence, just a lack of empathy), but keep it on hand for those times when an apology isn't in order. 

2.

Be direct in your requests

Before asking for something (especially in the workplace) determine whether or not it's a favor or just a request. Tannen notes that indirectly giving directions can look something like: "'Can you do me a favor and…' when it's an order, not a favor."

On the flip side, asking for a favor outright can show the other person that you acknowledge their time and appreciate their willingness to help—so don't cut it from your language completely. Just save this phrase for the times you truly do need a favor from someone. 

Some examples: 

  • Can you do me a favor and lock the door when you leave? → I'm heading out. Be sure to lock the door when you leave. 
  • Can you do me a favor and do the dishes? → I'd like you to do the dishes tonight. Let me know if this timeline works for you.
3.

Watch your uptalk

Another common habit: raising your voice at the tail end of a sentence. Tannen says this is sometimes called uptalk as well, and can make a statement sound like a question. 

As with the other habits we've covered, this is generally something people lean on to make sure what they are saying is OK with the other person. For example, you might raise your tone when saying, "I'll get to this by the end of the day?" as if you're asking a question. 

Rather than doing that, either keep your tone level and commit to the statement, or ask a question if that's your true intention. 

A few examples: 

  • I'll get to this by the end of the day? → When do you need this by? 
  • Let me know if you get what I'm saying? → Do you have any questions or concerns?
4.

Set a time for your requests

Another way to sound confident in your requests? Set a (realistic) time frame. This one will be the most applicable in the workplace, but it could be relevant in other conversations as well. 

Plus, adding a timestamp can be a service to the other person, helping them determine whether or not they have the time or ability to say yes to your request.

Be sure not to reach for a time frame that puts someone in a worse position—again, that will not come off as confident, just demanding.

Here are a few examples of how to gently, but clearly, set a time frame when needed: 

  • Can you send me the meeting notes soon? → I'll need the meeting notes by noon tomorrow. Does that work for you?
  • Can you pick up groceries if you have time? → I'm making dinner tonight at 7. Can you pick up a few items from the store before then?
5.

Remember: It takes time

Changing the way you speak isn't going to happen overnight, nor does it have to. Again, confidence is not displayed only through language, and false assumptions put upon you are not your job to fix. 

If you do want to sound more confident and fine-tune your language skills, all you can do is practice. 

Take the examples and tips from above and write down a few examples relevant to your life. Experiment with different areas (work, friendships, romantic relationships, etc.) and draft some elevated versions of your common phrases or wording.

Not sure it's working? Try these out with a friend and ask them what they think. If the "new" version sounds too pushy or assertive, it's better to know before you really try it out. 

The takeaway

Want your language to be interpreted as confident and to the point? Start by clipping excess apologies and only deeming a request a favor when truly fit. Check to see if your tone of voice creates questions out of your statements, and when in doubt, add a time to your request to be more clear. Remember that the language of others is just another way we interpret confidence, not a true sign of it. For more confidence-building tips, head here.

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