4 Expert-Backed Tips For Managing Heartbreak This Valentine's Day

Celebrating romantic love is a wonderful thing, but what happens if your love breaks bad? 

Valentine's Day can be an incredibly hard holiday to get through if you're in the middle of heartbreak. Maybe you're grieving the death of your spouse or a bad breakup, or you've recently discovered that your partner cheated. 

Whatever your heartbreak looks like, Valentine's Day can amplify feelings of loss, pain, and sadness. Because we have commercialized Valentine's Day and are bombarded with images of happy couples in love, we can feel alone in our grief. 

Millions of others are also struggling with relational loss and heartbreak of some sort. When we're grieving, it can feel like everyone else is still on life's merry-go-round and we've fallen off and are standing on the side watching.

We can dread Valentine's Day because it makes us more aware of what we've lost, amplifying our longing and sadness. This dread can cause us to avoid the day altogether or grit our teeth to just get through it.

Instead, make a plan for the day. Ask yourself what you'll need to help you feel comforted and supported—and to the degree possible, put that plan in place. 

Whether we're grieving the loss of a relationship or the loss of the relationship we thought we had, heartbreak puts us on a roller coaster of emotions. 

Valentine's Day catapults our loss to the front of our minds. It can feel like having someone shove our hand toward a burning flame. We don't want to feel the acute pain, sadness, or anger that accompanies our heartbreak. 

This is one of those, "the only way out is through," moments. The more we avoid our feelings, the longer we stay in suffering and develop unhealthy coping. But the more we allow our feelings the space to be felt, named, verbalized, and held gently by ourselves and others, the more our feelings move through us, and we heal.

When we experience heartbreak, it can create feelings of shame. We can feel like maybe we're experiencing betrayal because there's something wrong with us. Maybe we aren't worthy of loyalty, honesty, fidelity, and love. Or the death of a loved one can make us feel that in our grief and sadness we're too much.

The action tendency in shame is to hide. Shame pushes us toward isolation. If we're not intentional, we can allow our heartbreak to rob us of the single greatest support and antidote to our pain: connection with others. 

When we reach out to talk with a friend or family member, when we allow someone to hug us or hold us when we cry, when we share our heartbreak with those who care, we give our bodily based nervous systems an incredible gift. Connection helps to calm us, regulate our bodies, and bring us out of overwhelm.

If you're experiencing heartbreak this Valentine's Day, give yourself permission to be exactly where you are. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, ask for what you need, and give yourself connection and comfort in whatever ways you are able.