Help Isn't Always Helpful — Sometimes We Should Let Our Kids Struggle

Instead, I stood by her and asked her questions so that she was able to figure out how to find safety herself and identify what it felt like in her body. 

As a therapist, I often see parents step in to "protect" their kids in ways that rob their children of having their own experiences.

Caregivers, including myself, love to believe we know the right way to teach a lesson, but this can sometimes impede our children's ability to learn what they need to learn in the way they need to learn it. 

Whenever I feel confused, I turn to answers in nature. 

Consider the butterfly, who always struggles to get out of the chrysalis as a part of her natural becoming process. If a human interferes to "help" the butterfly escape faster or more easily, she does not build the necessary muscles in her wings to survive.

Here are three questions you can ask yourself as you decide if you want to intervene actively or stand by your children's side, lovingly and with curiosity, as they struggle.

Why are you stepping in? 

I hear parents tell me they want to keep their kids "safe"; however, I find it very important to differentiate between when our kids are unsafe and when they are uncomfortable. Rescuing our children from their own discomfort is a sure way to set them up to avoid it in the future. 

For example, when my baby was learning how to walk, it would take 15 minutes to walk a block or two. She stumbled, tripped, reached for my hand, let it go, did that again, and I could sense my desire to pick her up so that I could get home more quickly. 

What would it be like to be with our children while they fumble, sending them the message: Slowness and mistakes are not problems to be skipped through, not experiences to be had? 

Regulating our own nervous systems in these moments is an opportunity to allow our children's nervous systems to remain in flow even when they struggle.

As you prepare to intervene, ask yourself, If I were to ask questions instead of making statements, what would I ask?

Sometimes, stepping in to solve the problem can have the opposite impact. 

Especially as our children move toward adolescence, the harder we hold fast to our solution, the more likely our teen will try to oppose it (this can be true for toddlers as well). 

For example, lecturing your kid on why their boyfriend isn't right for them may have the opposite intended effect. 

Instead, asking questions like: "How can you tell if a crush is right for you? What does it feel like when you feel safe with someone? If worries about your relationship arise, who do you feel comfortable talking about them with?" will not only help them build self-inquiry and self-protection skills but will also help you to build the relationship with your child—solidifying you as a safe person in her life, no matter what her struggles are.

This style of inquiry can be adjusted to all ages. I recently asked my toddler what she thought would happen if she bit her sister and how that would make her feel. 

Telling her "Don't bite" yields…you guessed it…more biting. Now, this doesn't mean that I don't remove her if she is trying to bite (safety is a priority and worth intervention ALWAYS), but it means that without the inquiry, she isn't able to build empathy and understanding to have a fair shot at doing better next time.

How did you develop confidence in an area where you previously struggled? 

As we become more skilled at something, our confidence grows. But in order to gain skills, we have to experience all the challenges that process brings.

Sometimes failing tests teaches us to study, handling an interaction poorly helps us learn how to connect better, and saying the wrong thing helps us understand what wrong feels like in our bodies so we can differentiate it from what right feels like.

Consider all of the mistakes you've made. Instead of teaching your child the "right way" today, what would it be like to share some of your "wrong ways"? 

As your child struggles, can you lend them some of your confidence? 

I notice in therapy sessions, people come in every day with a struggle to share, and sometimes all they need is for me to lend them my belief that they can handle it.