5 Ways Keeping Secrets Can Ruin Relationships Over Time

But for those of us in relationships, secret-keeping can have serious and damaging negative consequences.

Yet they fail to realize that personal shame, humiliation, and recrimination have already occurred, and that's what provoked the desire to keep the secret. The relationship has already suffered damage in the form of restricted emotional communication and continuing deceit.

Identifying and understanding how keeping secrets can backfire on couples is the first step to disrupting the behavioral pattern. Here are five ways secrets can undermine your relationship:

It becomes difficult to feel a shared and connected life with someone with whom you know you're being inauthentic. In their study, Slepian, Halevy, and Galinsky noted that there is a dichotomy between secret-keeping behaviors and human beings as social creatures. In addition, they found that secret keepers had felt lower life satisfaction and felt fatigued, lonely, sad, and hostile.

When a partner severs trust, rebuilding it is challenging. Resentment and suspicion are hard to overcome. The deceived partner often finds it hard to trust that other secrets don't exist or that the pattern won't continue in the future. The constant need for reassurance doesn't help build trust; it just placates fear.

When people keep secrets, they impede communication between them and their loved ones. This can create stilted, inorganic conversations because so much overthinking is involved to ensure not revealing the lie. Overwhelmed by the fear of revealing the secret, the deceptive partner may be less available, receptive, or involved. Understandably, this becomes frustrating for the deceived partner, which drives a wedge between them.

Once deceit becomes a part of a relationship, it begins to erode the foundation of a partnership. If a partner doesn't address the erosion early on, either the original deceit continues and deepens, or further deceits incur. When a deceiver successfully keeps secrets, it can embolden their self-concept and empower them to continue their secretive behavior.

Internalizing deceptions is a burden that has somatic consequences and can cause guilt, shame, and stress, which can come with co-occurring symptoms such as headaches, digestive issues, and sleep problems. In more extreme cases, people may even turn to substances to numb themselves to the discomfort they experience. The risk of substance dependence or abuse will further alienate the secret keeper from their partner.

Exercising transparency, honesty, and forgiveness are essential for sustaining your personal well-being and the health of your relationship. Even if your partner can't bring themselves to love you through deceit, "owning" your truth will set you free and on a personal path toward better physical and mental health—and not just in your relationship. Hopefully, it will encourage you to be more truthful in your future relationships with loved ones and family as well.