Why 'Just Trust Your Heart' Is Bad Advice For Finding A Good Relationship

When you are trying to decide whether a person is right for you, well-meaning clichés and idealistic advisers may tell you to "just trust your heart."

Not a good idea.

In any relationship, I call the falling-in-love stage "the merge" because during this stage, we often feel as if we have found our other half—our missing part. The fantasy of permanent bliss is fueled by feel-good neurochemicals that can overpower common sense. In 1979, psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term "limerence" to describe the state of mind that occurs when our brains are flooded with a cocktail of hormones and chemicals that includes pleasure-inducing dopamine and endorphins, aphrodisiacs such as phenethlyamine (also found in chocolate), and oxytocin, which promotes empathy and bonding.

Despite the message of the popular Beatles song that "all you need is love," the merge is a time when you need to access your rational self as much as your emotional self. A successful relationship requires honest self-knowledge. People who can survive the test of many seasons after the initial springtime love fest must be flexible, capable of apologizing when necessary, and willing to change. Although we may be attracted to a perfect-looking body or someone who is the life of the party, it is honesty, persistence, and loyalty that are the keys to a relationship that can stand the test of time.

One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves in every aspect of life is mindfulness, the ability to observe ourselves and stay balanced in spite of any rush of feelings we are reacting to—the ability to take a step back and make the wisest possible decisions, those that blend heart and head.

If you do not take the time to learn and consider all the relevant facts, you may regret moving in with, becoming engaged to, or making large joint purchases with your partner. Wait a while—I recommend a year or two—until the chemical buzz has faded, and you can see who your partner is without the gloss of sexual desire, the temptation to believe that you can change your partner, or the risk of acting solely on first impressions that may have little to do with reality.

What is your partner's relationship with their family like? What is their attitude toward family members? Two red flags to watch for: (1) insistence that everything is wonderful and (2) insistence that everyone and everything is "bad," that there is nothing worthwhile about anyone in the family.

How important to you is a sense of purpose, a sense of humor, humility, loyalty, and flexibility in an intimate relationship? How important is the willingness to take responsibility for one's behavior and to engage in the collaborative emotional work necessary to develop and nurture wholehearted love? Be as tough-minded as you can. Do the qualities on your list match up with the qualities of the person you're dating?

Falling in love is called "falling" because we don't do anything to make it happen; it happens to us. To navigate the cool, stormy, and even foggy and dull stages of love, we need intention, skill, and willingness. Some people are made to be stars during the initial merge of a relationship but lack the character, strength, or willingness to manage the other stages.