The 7 Major Reasons Why People Have Affairs, From A Marriage Counselor

A discovered affair is one of the most heartbreaking crises I witness in my counseling practice. Secret relationships can range from a long-term love affair to a one-time hookup. Betrayal can also come in the form of flirty texting, an emotional affair, or an undisclosed porn habit. Infidelity has become so common that some studies indicate that 20% to 40% of heterosexual married men and 20% to 25% of heterosexual married women will engage in an extramarital affair at some point in their lives.

Before diving into the main and often unexpected causes of an affair, let me first offer a sign of hope. As a marriage counselor, I see couple after couple heal from the deep betrayal of trust that a secret relationship creates. So much so that many partners agree that while the process was excruciating, the dramatically new version of themselves and their relationship was greatly needed. Those who use the trauma as a wake-up call to grow and change, personally and in their relationship, often reach a deeper level of intimacy where they dare to call it a gift—a painful one no doubt. The raw brokenness can awaken a vulnerability that, in turn, can become the fertile soil needed for growth and real connection. Because of this, helping couples heal from an affair is one of my favorite specialties.  

Not all couples survive (or should) the devastating impact of an affair. This is especially true for those who deem that the relationship isn't worth the tremendous effort required to grieve, transform, and heal the trust. Some relationships have such a crumbled foundation, or perhaps there was never a strong one to begin with. Both partners may not be ready to take ownership of reaching such a low place, individually and as a couple, which is an essential first step in the repair and growth process. 

While many use the pain from an affair as a catalyst for transformation, there is definitely a better way. The key is to do everything you can to get ahead of this kind of devastating crash. 

The first proactive step is awareness. I can't tell you how many times I hear, "I'm not sure how this happened. I never thought I (or my partner) was capable of having an affair." Many fall into the illusion that they are immune to the allure of an affair. They feel sideswiped as to how they could have let this happen. Wanting to know the why is the betrayed partner's constant front-runner desire, only second to trying to calm the emotional storm and grief from finding out. 

No matter how many times we hear that relationships take work, most people in our society do not appreciate the investment required to create a long-term, successful relationship. Further, we often expect to continue feeling that high in the relationship just as we did in the beginning. Dopamine and stress-buffering hormone cortisol overflow while in the early limerence stages of a relationship. These physiological upsurges are short-lived as we acclimate to our partner with time. Many who cheat on their partners report, I fell out of love. 

The sheer opportunity for a secret relationship has grown tremendously in the past decades as men and women work more closely together, run in the same parenting circuits, and generally have more interactions with each other. Likewise, as the LGBTQ community becomes more accepted and visible, so, too, are more viable partners likely to present themselves.

A secret sultry relationship exhilarates like the best drug out there. I see so many partners after having fallen prey to this intoxicating high because they were suppressing and/or not dealing with their emotional anxiety or pain—at home, in their family of origin, or at work. Many don't realize how vulnerable they are to a quick escape or distraction because they are so out of touch with and ill-equipped to regulate their sense of lack or distressing emotions.

Without being aware of, accepting, and knowing how to effectively take care of our difficult emotions (e.g., feeling anxious, trapped, depressed, lonely, unhappy, uninspired, undervalued, or insecure), the instant feel-good of a new relationship can become too hard to resist. For too many, secret relationships can evolve into an addiction, used to further dissociate from exiled emotions.

So many couples I meet with feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of parenting, day in and day out—especially the men. Not to mention, a shift in focus naturally, and often too dramatically, occurs away from the relationship and toward the children. When children enter the duo dynamic—while this can add tremendously to the bond and shared experience—a lack of fun, play, and intimacy can set in. Many feel embarrassed that they are struggling with the thwarted freedom and lack of attention to the relationship, and so they don't address it.

Much of what doesn't make sense about good people who make the dark choice to betray their partners can be understood by delving into how our brain chemistry works. Neurologists use a term called neuroplasticity to explain the changes in our brain as a result of our experiences and knowledge. As licensed counselor Deborah S. Miller, LPC, writes in her book More Than Sorry, "...understand that in the context of an affair, the brain stirs up dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, prolactin, and testosterone. These hormones contribute to impulsivity, poor decision-making, and intense energy, emotions, and feelings of possessiveness." 

A secret relationship can trigger the same kind of response as substance abuse, gambling, or other addictions. We can become "addicted" to infatuation and to the attention from a potential love interest. Once the brain pathway is established for the kind of pleasure that a secret relationship brings, then be on the lookout for the cravings. When the cravings take over, we lose touch with logic as we are carried away into impulsive adventure like an adolescent. We are more likely to judge reality in egregiously biased ways when we lack understanding of our brain chemistry. 

Other biological factors may also have an influence on our risk for having an affair. For example, one survey found that those with an ADHD neurology, which comes with a weaker prefrontal cortex, are even more likely than the general population for a physical affair. Further, a 2019 study1 found that men with higher levels of testosterone were more likely to cheat than men whose testosterone levels were lower.