The Single Most Destructive Factor In Your Search For Real Love

What is individuation? And why is it so important for your love life (and your happiness in general)? Allow me to explain.

As we grow from children to adults, we first separate and then individuate from our family of origin. Separation entails moving away, starting a career, and setting up a home. Individuation is the process by which we grow into our own authentic self.

As children, we learn habits, beliefs, and behaviors from our family. We “unconsciously” make choices based on familiar patterns. Individuation allows us to take a step back. Do these habits make our lives happier and more productive? Or are they holding us back from our greatest potential? We may need to “shed” certain behaviors or thoughts to live a fulfilling life—one that feels true to who we are as individuals.

As Confucius said, “If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself.”

In enmeshed families, it may be impossible to know whether you’re living your own life or simply pleasing everyone around you. Boundaries communicate, “This is what I believe.” Individuation creates a well-established line in the sand.

“It’s a real tragedy when people forgo the opportunity for real joy to please their family. More often than not, they look back at the end of their life with regret that they didn’t take more risks and speak their truth.”

The shifting of allegiance is not an abandonment of the family of origin. Both relationships can exist harmoniously as long as the family of origin allows for growth and inclusion of new members.

“Separation typically happens in the 20s. Individuation usually happens at midlife,” said Aimee, the relationship therapist. “The more controlling a person’s family, the more painful the process. Families often provide tremendous resistance. But this is not a reason to stop moving ahead. In fact, it may be indicative that the adult child is now on the right path.”

Some people choose to leave their family of origin completely. Others create a “new” tribe comprised of friends who share their values. Some remain close to their family of origin while understanding its limitations. Any and all options are good, as long as you feel peaceful and content.

Once you individuate, you silence the critics. Their opinions no longer matter. When outside forces are silenced, the inner critic quiets, too. From there, you can step into your power for real productivity and personal fulfillment.

Best friends—the kind that form the basis of strong partnerships—are not interchangeable. If you’re lucky enough to find love in this life, embrace it boldly and tend to it with full consciousness.