Why I Embrace Every Meltdown

I don’t know about you, but I find myself in a constant state of struggle in life. Yes, I do it all — I eat well, I practice yoga, I have a loving fiancé, and I even try to pick up trash at the beach. Underneath it all, my insides love to stew a little.

Normally, I beat myself up about it. After sitting for long hours at work I ask myself, “Why can’t you accept sitting in front of a computer for eight hours a day like the rest of the world? Why do you dread going out to the bar at night? Why does the idea of a bachelorette party feel like way to much work and no fun? Everyone else enjoys these things, right? Why can’t you just BE happy right NOW?” I often find myself asking.

Discontent loves to bubble up in my life. It always seems to surface when everything is going my way and all is right in the world.

I'm 25 years old. I'm getting married this summer. I have the best dog in the world. I have a great family. I have amazing friends. To the unsuspecting eye, I have it all. But I'm writing to express my struggle. Just like you, just like almost everyone in the world, I struggle, and I'm beginning wonder: is this some sort of wake up call? Maybe it's time to start listening.

Growing up, it was drilled into me how important it was to make money, and I fought against my own intuition for YEARS. I was in a constant state of anxiety and dread about the future, wondering how I was going to have this big money-making life when all I really wanted was to be in my backyard planting vegetables.

I vividly remember a feeling of dread through most of my childhood and adult life. I remember anxiously waiting for the bell to ring in school, after which I would proceed to RUN out of the building. What was I looking for? Freedom? Back then I had no idea what I was feeling, I just knew I had to get out, and get out fast!

These days, much has changed, but you can still find me RUNNING the hell out of my office when the clock strikes five. According to today's job standards, I have a great job. I work for a great organization and am surrounded by great people, but I can't WAIT to get the hell out of there. The only difference now is that I'm starting to accept that this is who I am. I don’t try to fight is as much as I used to. I just get the hell out of there!

Why, you ask? I ask this of myself all the time. I like to think I'm starting to come up with an answer, but honestly I'm not sure. Cheers to those who can go to work every day and stifle what their insides are pleading to them. Do I wish I could be that way? Often. Life would probably be a whole lot easier. But something inside me is telling me I've never made anything easy, so why should I start now?

I'm beginning to realize that I'm not like everyone else. I deeply cherish my alone time, I crave the feeling of the grass under my feet, I need to smell fresh air, and I thoroughly enjoy a good self-help book. I like to set my own schedule and I can proudly say I have many interests. I like to travel and have been known to slump into depression when I'm in a rut. I'm not perfect.

But I'm beginning to sort through what I need and what I don't need from life. I'm beginning to realize that may be why people like me. No, I haven't quit my day job, and I'll probably continue to struggle for a while, but I truly believe that something is out there for me and I will find it! I have to, right? My life is a struggle, and I embrace every meltdown and bump in the road. I embrace the whole damn thing.