The DTR Talk: How To Define The Relationship & When To Do It

When it comes to seeing someone, there's perhaps nothing more anxiety-inducing than figuring out how to define the relationship (DTR). But there comes a point when you've exhausted asking yourself all the questions: Are we talking? Are we dating? Are we exclusive? And now you're ready to create the boundaries of your relationship and have an honest conversation about where you each stand.

Now, approaching that particular conversation can require some skill and finesse. Figuring out how to start is always hard, and so is mentally preparing yourself for not liking how the conversation ends. But it provides a sense of clarity that can be necessary for a relationship to continue.

Most of the time, the person has already shown you how they feel. "If they want to be in a relationship with you, they will show up. They will keep asking you out, they will want to see you a lot, and they will want to move in that direction," says Brigham. "They will ask you to things that are significant, and they will talk about plans for the future."

There are multiple steps one should take when having the DTR conversation:

Brigham says it's important to ask yourself how it makes you feel: Are you happy, or are you constantly anxious about where you stand with that person? Usually people want to have these talks because they feel stationary, "and if you feel stuck and stagnant, then that means something needs to progress and move forward."

Once you've thought about why you're pulled to have the DTR conversation, then ask yourself what it is you want. What is it you ultimately want, and what do you want out of this specific relationship? Once you answer those questions for yourself, then you'll know what to ask the other person. (Here are some types of relationships and relationship labels to consider.)

For example, you may want to suggest having a committed, monogamous relationship, and the person might reveal they're not into the idea. Be ready to decide what that'll mean for you moving forward and what your next steps might be if your visions for the relationship aren't aligned.

Don't make a formal announcement using a trite phrase like, "We need to talk." Even if you've planned when you want to have the conversation, it's important to make it flow naturally like any other one. If you push too hard or set it up as a potential confrontation, the person might feel threatened and run in the opposite direction, warns Sonnenberg and DelGiudice.

Sonnenberg also suggests asking "open-ended questions instead of ones that require a definitive yes or no answer." This signals that you're coming from a flexible space, and you won't judge the person for answering your questions openly and honestly. 

For example, "I like you," "I enjoy spending time with you," or "I'd like to spend more time with you. What do you think?" Brigham says this will probably be hard because it requires a certain level of vulnerability, but it emphasizes your own feelings and gives the other person space to respond. "Being aware of your tone is all you can do," explains Brigham. "How they respond is out of your control."

After expressing what you like about the relationship—and whether the other person is on the same page—discuss what you think the next step should be. For example, if you're only seeing each other every other week, say you'd like to see them once a week or more.

That's why Sonnenberg says it's important to enter these conversations with an open mind and the willingness to be flexible. "I think having that conversation often would allow for the most success because you might change your mind while you're in it, or stuff might not be working the way you had envisioned," she explains. "It needs to be fluid and an ongoing conversation about what's working and what's not working."