The One Mistake Couples Always Make When Trying To Improve Their Sex Life

When a couple is trying to reinvigorate their sex life, often the implicit goal is to figure out how to do it more often. There's a lot of focus on frequency as a marker of a good sex life.

In relationships between men and women, often couples think of sex as having penis-in-vagina intercourse. Therefore, when trying to improve or ignite their sex lives, the unspoken focus of the endeavor is how to make that particular act happen more often.

That narrow focus is often missing the whole point of having sex in the first place, says Zimmerman, "The point of sex, from my point of view, is to share pleasure with your partner and to feel connected in the process," she explains. So if you're focusing on making a certain act happen, she continues, you're focusing on the wrong thing—not to mention creating a kind of pressure that can even dampen libido.

"Spend intimate time together, without pressure to hit a goal or do a certain thing," Zimmerman recommends.

You can still try to increase how often you're being intimate with each other as a couple, but the idea is to enter into those moments without expectations for it to lead to a certain sexual act or outcome. Lie in bed and touch each other's bodies sensually. Make out on the couch. Get dressed up, have a romantic dinner, and enjoy the feeling of finding each other attractive. Turn each other on. Look for ways to spark electricity or to lean into a moment of tender intimacy. Focus on how connected—and exhilarated—these moments make you feel.

The key here is being fully present in these moments rather than thinking about what should come next.