Why Am I So Insecure? What Causes Insecurity + How To Overcome It

We all feel insecure from time to time—whether we openly admit it or not. It's one of the most human feelings, and there's really no shame in it. What matters more is how you deal with your insecurities. Depending on how you respond to them, insecurities often deteriorate one's self-esteem, so it's important to learn how to deal with them properly—and ideally, eventually, overcome them.

"If our mind confuses insecurity for a character trait, then every time the feeling of insecurity gets triggered for us, we will assume that something is wrong with us," she explains. "If we view insecurity as a feeling state that gets triggered for everyone, then we have more compassion with it and kindness toward it, which allows for more acceptance of it."

Additionally, some people may be insecure because of the family system they grew up in. Jamea says children who were criticized for expressing themselves or simply not given the space to express themselves often evolve into adults who are insecure.

"Your ability to manage these insecure thoughts as they arise will determine how deep-rooted insecurities become," she adds. "Your history, support network, past trauma, current stress levels, and more affect your ability to respond to negative self-talk and negative messages from others. The good news is, you can retrain your brain to overcome current insecurities and protect from future ones." 

According to Jamea, folks with an anxious attachment style may experience feelings of doubt that their partner truly cares about them, that they might leave, or that they must love their partners more than they love them. People with this attachment style often get wildly anxious and triggered during conflict and may appear desperate to win back their partner's love.

"Someone bragging about themselves, their accomplishments, and their life constantly is often a sign of a person feeling insecure and having a need to convince themselves that they are worth it," explains licensed mental health counselor Rachna Buxani-Mirpuri, LMHC.

Buxani-Mirpuri also notes, "People who are insecure can be very controlling. It makes an insecure person very anxious if they are not able to control their environment and everyone who is a part of it. Thus, an insecure person can be very controlling toward their romantic partners."

Sometimes, insecurity can manifest through an incessant desire to please others. "People-pleasing tendencies tend to reflect insecurity and the resulting internal craving for acceptance," says clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D.

Another sign of insecurity is constant jealousy. Manly says, although jealousy is a natural feeling, those who are constantly jealous of others are often extremely insecure.

If your loved ones get frustrated by your frequent questions, it may be because you are subconsciously seeking reassurance.

According to Garcia, perfectionism is the false belief of needing to be perfect to be accepted by others or even to be accepted by yourself, and it's rooted in insecurity. You feel you must be perfect at home, at work, and/or in your relationships. You set unattainable standards for yourself and exhaust yourself attempting to reach these.

Instead of always looking to what's next or how where you are now isn't far enough, learn to appreciate where you are and what is in the here and now. Mindfulness practices can be very helpful in this regard, says clinical psychologist Noël Hunter, Psy.D., which leads us to our next point.

In addition to mindfulness and meditation, Hunter also suggests learning to attune to your internal state and let go of tension, as well as generally acting in a loving and gentle way toward yourself, which can make a tremendous difference in how you eventually feel about yourself.

She offers an additional tip for this exercise: "If you're struggling to flip the thought, ask yourself what you'd say to a friend who had that negative thought. Once you write down the alternative or balanced thought, reassess your feelings and notice if your worry and anxiety has lessened." 

Lev suggests practicing self-compassion techniques daily. For example, she says, this might look like putting your hand on your heart, identifying and validating feelings and needs, and saying lovingkindness phrases to yourself. For example, "It makes sense that I feel insecure. It makes sense that I feel anxious. It makes sense that I need security. May I feel secure, may I accept myself as I am. Everyone feels insecure. I'm doing my best."

"Insecure people worry excessively about what others think of them," says Jamea. "Letting go of this concern can do wonders to help you overcome feelings of insecurity. Participating in a 'letting go' ritual is an effective strategy. Write down what you think others think of you on strips of paper. Then systematically let go of it by throwing it into a fire or letting it go with a balloon."

If you find that certain actions or people trigger insecurity, take a step back. Instead of subjecting yourself to situations or people that worsen your insecurity, Manly recommends making a pact with yourself that you'll mindfully do more of what does feel good. So, if social media or a certain person make you feel worse about yourself, do yourself a huge favor and let go, she says.

She adds that the exercise may not feel good in the moment, but in the long run, it helps you make more space for those difficult feelings and have more self-compassion around them.

Cultivating self-compassion is the ultimate key to overcoming your insecurities. It's important to offer yourself grace throughout your journey of healing and growing. Approach your feelings and triggers with curiosity. That way, you can understand them and ultimately use that knowledge to improve your self-confidence and free yourself from your insecurities. Or at the very least, better manage the way you process those feelings.