Here's What To Do If Your Partner Always Gets Defensive

Kim was sick with the flu, and Jason offered to go to the local co-op and get her some nice soup.

"I'd love that," she said. "But most of all, I'd love some fresh orange juice."

"Your body probably needs the vitamin C. I'll get that too," he said as he took off on his bike for the store a few blocks away.

A few minutes later, he returned and handed her the soup.

"Thanks, Jason," she said. "But what I really want is the orange juice."

Jason's smile turned into a frown, and then he looked angry. "Well, I'm sorry," he said, angrily. "I forgot. Look, it's just never enough for you, is it?"

Kim left the interaction feeling frustrated and disappointed, while Jason felt unfairly criticized and unappreciated. What if he had said, "I'm sorry; I totally forgot. Should I go back and get some? I know you wanted that most." Imagine how different they would have both felt, whether or not he ended up going back. But Jason's knee-jerk defensiveness created a cloud that hung over the two of them for the rest of the day.

We all have protective mechanisms, and these mechanisms are necessary for our survival. When they are underdeveloped, we exhibit poor boundaries and accept all complaints as our fault or responsibility. Conversely, when they are overly developed, we constantly try to shield ourselves from a perceived attack, even if one is not present (such as in the example with Jason). Both of these extremes can harm our relationships.

Defensiveness shuts down communication, buries goodwill, and turns a simple human exchange (like forgetting the orange juice) into a potentially heavy issue between people that seldom gets discussed but gets acted out through behaviors like withdrawing, withholding, and resenting.

Additionally, defensiveness requires a lot of energy to maintain. Although it's meant to minimize our feelings of shame, it actually deepens them. Moreover, defensive behavior from one partner will likely lead the other partner to shut down emotionally. While that might feel good in the short run, these emotions will eventually emerge, either in explosions of rage or acts of passive revenge, such as sharp-edged teasing, couched criticisms, or the withholding of love, sex, and expressions of appreciation.

So why do we do it? What makes some people so sensitive as to perceive criticism and attack where there is none, while others can respond with open curiosity when someone criticizes them?

Inborn temperament is involved—some people are simply born with thinner skin than others. Childhood history is also another factor that can determine your reaction style and intensity. Your childhood history deeply informs how you respond to criticism. If family members or other important adults shamed, belittled, or punished you harshly when you were a child, as an adult you still may feel the need to try to protect yourself whenever someone seems angry with you. This is an unconscious, automatic response to a perceived danger.

Whether these responses are innate or a part of our personalities, your defensive behaviors are not character flaws—they're simply human responses. That said, defensiveness can cause a lot of trouble. But it can be overcome.

I've developed a list of strategies to help you combat defensiveness in your relationship and help both you and your partner feel more secure

It's not easy to break deep habits by force of will. It takes time for new patterns to form. If you try your best for a while and still can't talk without fighting, a good therapist can help. A skilled couples' therapist can foster a safe space that allows both of you to gently look at the hurt behind your walls and defenses. With the help of a therapist, you and your partner can create new connections for healing that will continue long after your work in therapy is done.

Relationships are hard, and doubly so when defensive behavior makes it impossible to discuss issues. I've published over 80 articles on relationships, four of which were specifically about defensive behavior, and I received a much greater response to those four articles in part because this behavior can be so frustrating and confusing.