What To Consider Before Getting Into A New Relationship, From A Psychologist

Research has found that loneliness is associated with mental health conditions1 like anxiety, depression, and cognitive decline and physical conditions2 like high blood pressure and heart disease. However, often when people feel lonely, they are unable to see and embrace the love that is actually present in their lives. Yes, I understand, friend and family love is not the same as intimate love. But when we discount the presence of love that does exist, we rob ourselves of its comfort.

We play mind games with ourselves, exaggerating the positives and minimizing the negatives in order to rationalize the dubious choices that we make. Having a partner can be seen as a badge of honor, and when we don't have one, well, we've lost. All the while we are trying to meet the pressure-filled expectations of what we believe our lives are supposed to look like.

When you are looking for a relationship, it is important to take the time to really get to know yourself, your strengths, your vulnerabilities, and behavioral patterns—and a therapist can help with this. This crucial first step, which often comes after a significant period of self-reflection while not in a relationship, helps you to be able to see yourself more clearly.

While doing this, also take a look at the things that are present (or not present) in your life that positively affirm who you are. It could be spending time with friends, going to church, taking walks, volunteering, or participating in hobbies. When you're single, claim your time to pour into yourself and develop your own interests. This is your chance to do you! It is easy to fall into the trap of believing that a partner will complete your life and bring you joy. But what are you doing, or could you be doing, on your own to foster your expansive wholeness?

When you take stock of how past trauma influences current behavior, you might discover trauma baggage that you are bringing to relationships. Sometimes, just sometimes, the age-old adage of "It's not them, it's you" is actually true. This is not to place blame but rather to give you the freedom to see yourself clearly, without adding judgment. Your low self-esteem, trust issues, heightened sensitivity, anxiety, and inability to be vulnerable with your mate might actually be residue from past childhood abuse, parental loss, or intimate partner violence. This is where you pause and do the self-work so that you can start the process of healing before you enter into a relationship with someone else.

Adapted excerpt from Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen: The Emotional Lives of Black Women by Inger Burnett-Zeigler. Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Amistad, an imprint of HarperCollins. Copyright © 2021 by Inger Burnett-Zeigler.