What I've Learned From 3 Pregnancy Losses In 9 Months

In March I was pregnant and lost the baby early. In May I was pregnant again, was diagnosed with a missed pregnancy loss at eight weeks, and had a D&C in the beginning of June. By October, I was pregnant again, this time via IVF. On November 20, my birthday no less, I had another D&C for another missed pregnancy loss.

It has been a struggle to come to terms with these losses — losses of the potential for life. It’s not like mourning a living thing, tangible and present, and I have had conflicting feelings about how to process it all. But I have maintained an attitude of looking forward, thanks in part to the things I’ve learned from three losses in nine months. Here's what I know:

I write candidly about my life and experiences and I have found that being truthful about my pregnancy losses was beneficial for multiple reasons, not the least of which was learning that so many women I know have had them, multiple times, and it made me feel a lot less alone.

There seems to be, for me and other women I’ve talked to, a level of shame attached to the experience of pregnancy loss, a sense of failure as a woman. It’s not logical, but it exists. Talking about the ups and downs of my fertility has dissolved the shame I felt, and I am so grateful for that.

Read, binge-watch your favorite shows, shop, eat, drink, exercise, meditate — do whatever you need to do to distract yourself in the days following a pregnancy loss. It helps. And don’t judge yourself for it. Be selfish.

During my first pregnancy loss, my best friend said something to me that was so helpful. She said, “Don’t skip the grief. It’s important.” That was exactly what I needed to hear, because grief is slippery and will ooze back into the corners of your life when you least expect it. It’s so much easier to face it and feel it and then let it go. Once you do that, all that stuff you’re grateful for matters even more.

We continued talking and she told me about the hardest thing she has ever had to do in her career was deliver a stillborn baby, which I cannot begin to imagine. There are many more things that are worse than this, like losing my son, my spouse, and the list could go on. Pregnancy loss is really hard and painful and rife with complex emotions, but it’s not the worst thing that I could be going through, and that gives me some perspective.

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