Think You're In A Toxic Relationship? Here Are The Signs To Look For + What To Do

Toxic relationships can negatively impact our overall well-being, whether they're romantic, familial, or platonic. From subtle forms of manipulation to more outright abuse, dealing with toxic behavior can have lasting effects, such as eroding your self-esteem, distorting your understanding of love, and even causing you to question your sanity.

Almost any relationship can become toxic in nature if the underlying issues are not dealt with. As humans, we're not perfect, and even the most well-adjusted person may engage in mildly toxic behavior now and again—especially if they're under significant stress or they haven't processed past traumas.

However, when someone chronically engages in toxic behaviors, they tend to cause significant harm in their interpersonal relationships.

According to Shan Boodram, a sex and relationships expert at Bumble, a toxic relationship is one that doesn't complement or serve other areas of your life.

"A healthy relationship should be additive and make you excited about other parts of your life—friends, family, your job—but when it actually takes away from these things that should leave you feeling fulfilled, that's when you find yourself in a toxic place," Boodram tells mindbodygreen.

She goes on to say that while every healthy relationship will have high and low moments, you should ultimately be happy and supported more often than not.

Boodram says love bombing or flooding occurs when one party offers "an overwhelming amount of time, attention, and praise to you in the beginning of your relationship to entice you, when in reality, you do not know each other well enough for this behavior to be genuine."

Open and honest communication is required in all healthy relationships. According to licensed marriage and family therapist Silva Depanian, M.A., LMFT, assertive communication in particular is helpful in allowing individuals to clearly and respectfully articulate what has been bothering them, how they feel about it, and what they'd like to see done differently.

However, the most common communication styles are passive, passive-aggressive, or assertive—none of which allow for openness, clarity, or vulnerability within difficult situations. 

Healthy relationships also need mutual respect between both parties. According to Depanian, when individuals in a relationship feel safe and comfortable expressing their boundaries and can follow one another's boundary requests, the relationship is healthy. 

Passive-aggressive behavior is a sign that a relationship is (or could be) becoming toxic, and as clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., explains, it's also a form of emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse can be hard to immediately identify. If the abuser is very adept at being abusive, they may be withholding in nature, "kindly" critical, or generally insult the other person in subtle, hard-to-spot ways that leave the abused feeling off-kilter and wondering why the interactions seem so difficult and painful.

According to Manly, enmeshment is mutually toxic behavior that overtly or subtly limits the ability to act as an individual. An enmeshed relationship offers little freedom, whether within a family unit or a romantic partnership.

Manipulation is another major hallmark of a toxic relationship, according to therapist Steve Carleton, LCSW, CACIII. "This can take many forms, from gaslighting to guilt-tripping," he explains, adding, "They may make the victim feel bad about themselves or constantly use guilt as a way to control their partner's behavior."

Lastly, according to licensed clinical psychologist Avigail Lev, Psy.D., one other sign of a toxic relationship is triangulation. "Triangulation is when your partner brings other people into the relationship, causing feelings of jealousy, insecurity, or competition," she explains.

As you can imagine, dealing with a toxic relationship and everything that comes with it will have an impact. In the short term, this could look like simply missing out on the opportunity to date people who are good for you. But it could also lead to embarrassment, according to sexologist and sensual yoga teacher Joy Berkheimer, Ph.D.

If a toxic person love-bombed you, for instance, "You end up telling all your friends about it and possibly posting about it," she explains, adding that this is often followed by the silent treatment with unknown causes, bouts of sudden passive-aggressive jealousy, or outright insults to your appearance and/or intelligence that leave you speechless.

"Then [you don't want] to share anything with anyone about this interaction anymore," Berkheimer explains.

And in the long term, the effects of dealing with a toxic relationship are more serious. This can look like being isolated from your loved ones, changes to your body from exhaustion due to arguments or anxiety from relationship distress, emotional turmoil from feeling confused by a partner who keeps you in an ongoing cycle of breaking up and getting back together, and trauma bonding. 

Trauma bonding is connecting with an abusive person who mistreats you emotionally, physically, and/or sexually. Unconsciously, you form a strong bond with your romantic partner to cope with your trauma or abuse—and Berkheimer says this is a recipe for a dangerous disaster.

The first step in dealing with a toxic relationship of any kind is to recognize the signs and be able to see it for what it is. All the aforementioned signs are red flags to watch out for, but if it's helpful, here's a straightforward quiz to help you figure out if your relationship is toxic.

It's important to try not to lie to yourself and deny the truth of your current reality. According to relationship expert Audrey Hope, once you've done this, consider making boundaries of self-love and self-care to take care of yourself. You can walk out of the room, leave the house, or simply not allow the person to mistreat you. You can say something neutral like, "I hear you, and I will be going now."

And as therapist Julia Purcaro, LMFT, CASAC, suggests, seeking professional guidance and support is also a good idea. She tells mindbodygreen that this can be beneficial in coping with a breakup of any kind but especially when it comes to ending toxic relationships.