What Is Micro-Cheating? 6 Behaviors That May Cross The Line In Relationships

We like to assume the difference between cheating and loyalty in a monogamous relationship is black and white, but of course everything—especially in relationships–is gray.

Sure, sleeping with someone outside of the relationship behind one partner's back is pretty undoubtedly considered cheating. But what about frequently hanging out with someone you're sexually attracted to?

Micro-cheating is the act of cultivating, in small ways, inappropriate intimate connections outside your relationship, according to couples therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC.

This subtle form of cheating doesn't involve physical intimacy with the other (i.e. they haven't kissed or had sex with another person), but the actions do break a couple's agreements about romantic exclusivity in other ways.

Importantly, what counts as "cheating" in any relationship will depend on the type of agreements the two people have about exclusivity.

"Micro-cheating often begins with lying to yourself," Muñoz says. "Often, it involves a slew of subtle psychological defenses like minimizing, rationalizing, and denying."

There are many reasons people cheat, according to sex therapist Tammy Nelson, Ph.D. "A person may be cheating because they like who they are when they're with their affair partner. They might feel sexier, smarter, more charming, and more alive when they cheat. With their spouse at home, they might feel invisible, dull, boring, or old," she writes at mbg.

Zimmerman says this subtler form of cheating often starts by accident. "What begins as a work dinner, a message from an old friend or flame, or a shared workout at the gym can be developed into a flirtation and an intimate affair," she writes. "Many people have these interactions without it turning into cheating. Others, especially those who aren't completely fulfilled in their own relationships, begin to indulge the feelings of validation, attraction, and excitement."

Micro-cheating can be caused by a momentary lapse of judgment, but it could also be a sign that the relationship isn't right for you. "Some affairs are what I call 'can openers'—a way to end your partnership even when you didn't know you wanted out," Nelson says. "It's an unconscious way to wake yourself up to the fact that it really is over."

If micro-cheating has become an issue in your relationship, Muñoz recommends directly discussing it with your partner.

It's important for the person who has been micro-cheating to understand how it makes their partner feel and to commit to changing their behavior.

This also includes ending any current "micro-affairs" they may be having. Once those micro-affairs have been ended, both partners can work on rebuilding the relationship—if they choose to, that is.

Following a period of mistrust, setting boundaries and establishing open communication are really helpful for repairing the relationship. 

"You can talk about the boundaries that help you both feel safe when it comes to flirtation, erotic images, 'best friends,' close work colleagues, etc.," Muñoz says.

Micro-cheating is not quite as obvious as a physical affair, especially since each couple will define it differently, based on their boundaries.