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Message From A Death Doula: Everyone Needs A Death Plan (Not Just A Will)
Death is a taboo subject in American culture. So much so that, by the time someone close to you passes, you may not have any idea how they want their affairs handled.
But according to death doula Alua Arthur, getting an "end-of-life plan" in place can make death easier to think and talk about at any age. And this plan goes far deeper than the financial and logistical items covered in a will.
Here's how Arthur recommends making your end-of-life plan and the benefits it can bring for a well-lived life.
What is an end-of-life plan?
Arthur thinks everybody should have an-end-of-life plan. While the exact contents will be unique to each person, here are some items she recommends including:
- Your end-of-life care: When you're nearing the end, what kind of environment do you want to be in? Where would you like to be? What type of food do you want to eat? How do you want to feel? This will help your loved ones make the best decisions for you if you're physically unable to.
- Your body & funeral service: What do you want done with your remains? Do you want a funeral? What does it look like? Any places you'd prefer not to have it? If you don't know your options, consider looking into it. There are so many innovative and beautiful ways to handle remains you probably haven't heard of yet.
- Your possessions & financial affairs: This tends to be covered in a will but can be included in your end-of-life plan as well.
- Your pets & non-relative dependents: Are there any living beings you take care of that you want to pass on information about but may not be included in your will? If so, add a plan for them in this document. Consider pets here if you have any.
Now, it's important to remember that these end-of-life plans are meant to change and evolve with you.
If you learn about a new burial service that interests you, add it to the document. If you went to a funeral and saw something you wouldn't want for yourself, put it in your document. This way, when you do eventually pass, your loved ones will know it's up to date with your honest wishes.
Why are end-of-life plans important?
For those who prefer to shy away from discussions about death, don't worry—you're not alone. But here are a few reasons that making an end-of-life plan and talking more openly about death can actually help us live healthier lives:
Too often, we see death as "a failure"
Shoshana Ungerleider, M.D., has a unique perspective on death as an internal medicine physician and the founder of End Well—a nonprofit on a mission to change how the world thinks about the end of life.
Ungerleider says some of the strong distaste toward the topic stems from how Western medicine views death in a hospital setting. "It's partly because we as doctors see death very, very often as a failure. And we try to do everything we can to avoid failure in medicine," she explains.
But in the end, she notes, "Death keeps us awake to our lives." By pushing thoughts of death away, we can actually increase the power they have over us. Making an end-of-life plan is a way to accept death for what it is and take away some of the stigma that surrounds it.
Speaking about it can help with death-related anxiety
On an individual level, death can be scary and anxiety-inducing to think about. The unfortunate truth is that we don't control how we pass or when. But what you can control (at least a little bit) is how your death is handled, hence the freeing effect of the end-of-life plan.
Knowing this part of the equation is sorted can actually bring an element of known to the unknown, potentially easing death-related anxiety.
A plan can help support your loved ones when the time comes
Having these big questions answered ahead of your death is a service to your loved ones who will care for you in your final days. By taking some of the work off your loved ones' plate through preplanning, you'll help them grieve your passing with just a bit less stress related to logistics. Think of it as paying it forward to those who will care for you during this time.
Though it may not be accessible for everyone, working with a death doula could also prove helpful for you and your loved ones (and you can even request that in your end-of-life plan).
Acknowledging death can make you more present
Your considerations around death don't need to stop once you wrap up your end-of-year plan. Instead, Arthur strongly recommends that everyone start talking about death more often. This doesn't need to involve serious sit-down conversations. In fact, sometimes easing into it with casual topics can take away the initial shock and overwhelm.
Having more casual conversations around death can improve your quality of life and presence. Ungerleider notes that her colleague Lucy Kalanithi, M.D., often says that living and dying aren't separate things. We're doing both at the same time. This perspective can make death a bit less scary and unfamiliar since it reminds us that while we are living every day, we are dying every day too.
Death keeps us awake to our lives
Making an end-of-life plan probably won't make you completely fearless when it comes to death. But there's a chance that it can ease your anxiety around it a bit, as well as provide support to your loved ones.
Don't be afraid to ask for help
The takeaway
Death doula Alua Arthur recommends making an end-of-life plan that includes preferences related to remains, funeral services, how you'll be cared for in your final days, and other important considerations that may not be covered in a will. If you find the topic of death uncomfortable to talk about, you're not alone. However, getting familiar with your wishes and desires may benefit your mental health and presence and help those around you in the long run.
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