This Is What Actually Causes Communication Problems In Relationships

When I see people for couples counseling, I usually begin by asking them what's going on. The most common response is, "We don't communicate," or "Our communication has broken down."

"Tell me more about what happens," I ask. Then they each speak articulately and intentionally, and what I see before me are two people who are communicating perfectly well. What they are actually talking about is how they communicate under stress. Most often the stress is because they have lost their connection and are feeling judged and not listened to by the person who matters most.

For years, I responded by teaching them some important communication skills, such as using "I" statements, managing their reactivity, working to reduce stress levels and defensiveness, and the importance of understanding what they are communicating nonverbally. While these are all essential skills, there is something even more important than how to speak to each other. Even when you have the best communication tools possible, the tools alone are not going to sustain the heart of your relationship.

We get so caught up in our lives that we put the relationship on hold to take care of the really "urgent things," like getting a report in at work, working out, or taking our kids to gymnastics. While these are not unimportant, keeping our connection with our partner needs to be first, and that is not done by talking as much as doing things together, such as taking a walk, making love, cooking a meal, and laughing about the day.

Although most of us in relationships can list the "topics" that cause trouble, it is not the topics themselves but the ways in which we discuss them that causes disconnection. For example, take one couple I know, Chris and Aimee. Their usual tiffs go like this: They're both exhausted and overcommitted, and they haven't had time together for days. Chris is making dinner for friends, and Aimee comes home without the spinach for the salad, which she said she would bring.

"You forgot the spinach," Chris growls, his hand on his hip.

"Well, maybe if I hadn't spent half of the day doing errands for you, I might have remembered it," Amy fires back.

And Chris answers, "Look, you left me in charge of making dinner for our friends because you couldn't be bothered, and not only that, you seem to conveniently forget a lot of the things you say you will do."

If you are making a complaint, start by thinking about what the wish is under the complaint. For example, let's say you realize that your partner doesn't hold your hand anymore when you go places, and this was one of the things you loved most about the relationship: that warm, physical touch. Come to think of it, you barely touch at all these days. You might begin with the complaint, which is, "You don't hold my hand anymore. In fact, you barely touch me." The chances are you will not get a warm, receptive response or increase your partner's wish to have more physical contact. In fact, they may move away from you even more.

Without genuine connection, talking about a stressful topic or a topic you disagree about can quickly break down communication between people who are already tired and irritable. Remember that communication does not always create connection. In fact, it can create alienation, hurt, and disconnection.

What brought us into the relationship to begin with were feelings of safety and value and being known for who we really are. I have never heard a couple say, "We find regular time for one another, our sex life is great, we know we come first for one another, and we have terrible communication."