Why Being Long-Distance Can Actually Make Your Relationship Better

“If you really loved him, you wouldn’t have moved to New York.”

Since I chose to relocate indefinitely to the East Coast almost a year ago, several people have said this to me. I suspect many more have thought it.

I don’t hold it against them. I used to be incredibly judgmental of long-distance relationships (hereafter known as LDRs). Not only did I adamantly state that I could never be in one, I viewed those of people around me as less legitimate — training wheels to prepare you for a real relationship.

But since I made the move to New York, leaving my partner (but not my relationship) in a different city, my perspective has changed. Funny how that happens, huh? Now, I’m grateful for our LDR, and not for any of the reasons I stated above. (And also not just because I don't have to wake up to his alarm or shave my legs regularly, although those are definitely bonuses).

I once told my partner that the fact that I was able to leave without us breaking up was a testament to the health of our relationship. In past relationships, I wouldn’t have pursued my dreams. I would've been too fixated on maintaining a relationship in which I felt constantly anxious and insecure.

In the past, I’ve stayed in unfulfilling relationships because I’ve been afraid of being single. I didn’t know myself outside of a relationship, and couldn’t picture my life without someone to fill the quiet moments of my day-to-day. In a long-distance relationship, we can trust that the interactions we have augment our already full lives, rather than resulting from convenience or fear.

We see each other every two months, spending exponentially more time apart than together. Consequently, I eat most meals alone. I “Netflix and chill” el solo. I don’t have someone to rub my feet after a long day or to comfort me at 3 a.m. if I wake up from a nightmare.

Of course I miss make-up sex. But at the same time, not being able to have it has forced us to use our words to make up following a fight. And each time, we come out a little stronger and more connected than we used to be.

Some LDRs are the result of a night of romance while backpacking through Europe. Some develop online, with an in-person meeting yet to occur. And some start like mine — with a couple accustomed to taking turns cleaning the bathroom having to adjust to taking turns crossing the border.

However your long-distance relationship came to be, know that your relationship is real and valid, regardless of others’ opinions. The fact that we spend more time FaceTiming than we do face-to-face doesn’t make the content of our conversations any less vulnerable or intimate.

The fact that we don’t live in the same country doesn’t make us any less committed. The fact that we don’t have our future planned doesn’t mean we don’t see a future together. And the fact that we’re not following a conventional relationship path doesn’t make our relationship any less valuable or legitimate.

The other day, I was at a dinner party, explaining to a new friend why I wasn’t dating in the city.

“I’m trying to understand what you get out of it,” she asked, referring to my long-distance relationship. “A girl like you — you’re really doing yourself a disservice not dating.”

My answer? Love, support, comfort, validation, entertainment, shared experience — I get out of my long-distance relationship exactly the same things anyone who’s in a healthy, committed relationship gets out of theirs — long-distance or not, a good relationship, at its core, is just that.