Your Full Guide To Virtual Sex: 23 Ways To Try It, Risks & Expert Tips

Virtual sex is anything sexual in nature happening in a digital space, according to psychotherapist Ashley D. Sweet, M.A., LPC, LMHC. It includes any type of sexual activity on or with the internet. Video chat, phone sex, sexting, long-distance sexual play enabled by toys and sextech, and even some forms of interactive pornography all fall under the umbrella of virtual sex.

"Most people have engaged in some sort of virtual sex without realizing it," board-certified sexologist Jessica Cline, MSW, LCSW, tells mbg. Some people assume virtual sex only refers to having sex on Zoom or interacting with cam girls, she notes, but "the first paid phone sex line was established about 40 years ago. I think it's helpful to put that into context as a way to normalize fostering sexual connection and pleasure when in-person [sex] isn't available."

Because you and your partner(s) don't actually make physical contact during virtual sex, some might not consider it "real" sex, but it is. Sweet emphasizes that sex is much broader than the typical view of penis-in-vagina penetration. "If it gets you off," she says, "put it in the bucket of sex." Cline also points out that "studies by the Kinsey Institute have shown that virtual sex creates emotional connections and sexual gratification in some of the same ways as in-person physical sexual acts/touch." 

To engage in virtual sex, it's important you know you're risking your privacy. Technology's advancements make it easy for others to save your sensitive content without you knowing, says Sweet. People can save your nude photos, screenshot or record you during video sex, or save messages from chat threads. Once in someone else's hands, you have little to no control of where your private content ends up. 

Your partner can even violate your trust by secretly sharing the virtual sex session with another person in the room without your consent, says AASECT-certified sex therapist Courtney Geter, LMFT, CST. It's not sexy to think about, but "What you do in the digital space can be frozen in time forever," warns Sweet. 

It's important to use a secure means of connection, "ideally something encrypted," advises Cline. It's also important to communicate with your partners and set firm boundaries with everyone you engage with, even if it's a little awkward. That said, just because someone promises to keep your content safe doesn't mean they will. "Privacy is an illusion on the internet," Sweet says—even when you're having virtual sex with people you know and trust.

Most forms of virtual sex are totally legal, but some acts can violate laws around sex work, child pornography, age of consent, and other "cybersex crimes" in your state.

If virtual sex turns into the buying or selling of sexual services that take place in person, it may violate laws against sex work that exist in many states. Cline adds that some sex workers promote their services on social media, forums, and other online platforms, which might conflict with that site's terms of service and get you banned.

Additionally, in most states, any interaction with someone under the age of 17 that involves any kind of sexual relations can constitute a cybersex crime. Even searching for child pornography is considered illegal. Taking, sending, or receiving sexual photos of anyone underage is considered child pornography creation and distribution, meaning that teens who send nude photos of themselves can potentially get themselves—and their recipients—in trouble with the law.

Like with any other form of sex, virtual sex requires consent from all involved parties. You must get enthusiastic consent from your partners for all parts of the sexual experience, including what sexual acts you'll engage in, who is allowed to view or participate in the experience, and whether it's OK to save content for later viewing. 

"For something to be sex, it needs to be consensual; otherwise, it's abuse," Sweets says. "And that's a really important distinction."

Geter suggests having open conversations with your partner(s) around expectations, "including what you'd both like to get out of the time together, any boundaries—i.e., no one else in the room, no recording, not saying certain words or phrases—and creating safety words or phrases in case the session is unexpectedly interrupted." 

Invite your partner into the experience, being transparent about what you're expecting to happen. This is a great way to get consent, and it can also be sexy if you bring in some dirty talk. (Here's our full guide on how to talk dirty.)

Sweet mentions how easy it is to feel coerced into an experience when someone is encouraging you to do more than you're comfortable with—that's why it's important to lead with the pace of the most anxious participant. 

Just because virtual sex is digital, the rules don't change: You never have to do anything you don't want to. "If we want to have really good virtual sex, we shouldn't be performing based on the expectations of what we think the other person wants," says Sweet. "We should be doing what turns us on and gets us off."

If you'll be on camera, use lighting to your advantage to set the mood and conceal your identity if you need to. Sweet recommends trying out LED light strips that are accompanied by remote controls so you can set them to pulse, go brighter, or even change colors. 

Even though you're not together physically, your physical senses can still be part of the virtual sex experience. Sensory experiences are an important part of sex, so find ways to replicate in your own environment what turns you on the most in person.

When trying something new, ongoing consent is important to maintain everyone's satisfaction and comfort. To continually check in on consent during virtual sex in a way that still feels playful and fun, Sweet recommends the green, yellow, red, game. 

Sex toys are just as fun to use during virtual sex as they are in person, so don't hesitate to include them in your session, especially if your partner enjoys watching you masturbate. Plus, that means you and your partner masturbate together, says Geter. 

Why limit the fun to one person? If you're ready to expand your sexual exploration, Geter says one option is to have "more than one person join on either side and share the role of cameraperson [as they] engage in play." This could be highly pleasurable for those in open or polyamorous relationships, or anyone interested in group sex.