9 Signs Of A Victim Complex & How To Deal With It In Others

If you know someone who has a pattern of negativity and self-sabotage, they may have a victim complex.

At the root, a victim complex is characterized by a feeling that life is happening to you rather than a sense that your life is within your control.

Williams says it's common for people with a victim complex to think back on the way they've been hurt by others. Instead of musing over positive and productive times, they minimize the good and often replay old memories that bring them distress and hurt. Through this processing, they are usually mired in an unhelpful and unhealthy thought pattern that keeps them tied to the past.

"Your friend or partner with a victim complex won't take accountability for their part when things go wrong. They will typically blame others or make excuses for why they are not responsible for what happened," Mateer says. When they retell stories or bring up others, they often paint themselves as a helpless person with the best intentions and everyone else with malice.

If something bad happened at work, they blame it on their boss. During a breakup, they complain endlessly about their ex and how they were mistreated. In each situation, they're the helpless victim and everyone else is the perpetrator.

Mateer shares a classic sign of victimization is being unable to reflect on what they might have contributed. Despite the situation, whether they're receiving feedback at work or they're in conflict with a friend, they tend to focus on what was negatively done to them in the situation. ("My co-worker has it out for me! As soon as I started the job, you know they never liked me, and that's why the project failed.") It's always about the other person and what they're doing to inflict harm.

When you catch up with them, most of the conversation is usually around the victim's life and what they are going through. "They might be so absorbed in their own struggles that they are unable to acknowledge or empathize when you are going through a hard time," Mateer says. As a result, when you try to bring up situations you are going through, the victim is not able to appropriately hold space for you, leading to an uneven, one-sided relationship.

People's roles, expectations, and emotions feel absolute. No matter what, in every situation, the victim was pushed around.

Being able to let go of a situation with gratitude, peace, and acceptance involves seeing a situation for what it is and acknowledging how you can do better in future situations. But if someone has a victim complex, Williams notes they're not able to reflect on the hurt of others and how their actions have made others feel. Because they're not willing to let go, they're more likely to harbor ill will and want to see those who've hurt them punished.

Since they are so incensed to injustice, people with a victim complex have a perspective marked by social mistrust, egoism, and suspicion in interpersonal and social dynamics—so they're often looking for unfairness in situations. Because they're focused on the negatives, they can't see the upsides. One study in 20221 found these individuals have a hypervigilant tendency to catastrophize and judge many situations as unjust, even if the situation was socially ambiguous.

For people who put themselves in the victim role, Williams says it's also important for the victim to let everyone else know the ways they've been exploited or taken advantage of. Because of this strong identification, the victim rarely takes an empowered stance for their behavior and cognitive distortions.

But people who have a victim complex have also usually gone through certain experiences to acquire this type of sensitivity. Research in 20152 outlined several factors that contribute to this narrow perspective:

If someone has a victim complex, they may have grown up in a dysfunctional environment where they were either subjected to or observed emotional and physical abuse, betrayal of trust, and social rejection during a critical life event. Not being able to see other people's inherent integrity and benevolence detrimentally affected their social behavior development and ability to co-create loving connections. Such experiences may have formed the basis for the way they view the world.

People with a victim complex had early childhood experiences where their trust was violated. They weren't able to live in a world where people were primarily seen as honest, reliable, and stable. From a young age, they became keenly attuned to feelings of helplessness, moral outrage, disappointment, and rage, which made them defend themselves against exploitation and being controlled. While some can experience fleeting emotions of anger, people who are sensitive to victimhood stay with the emotion much longer.

Over time, the victim complex becomes a coping strategy to ward off painful situations and inadvertently turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because they expect noncooperation from others, they enter situations uncooperatively and are less willing to help others who may need help. Researchers noted people with a victim complex were also more likely to foster feelings of envy and jealousy, and were less likely to accept apologies from their partners.

Seeing a person act selfishly or convey unfair behavior can feel grimy. With people who suffer from victim sensitivity, it brings strong, sustaining feelings of indignation and anger. The fear of being victimized is so strong that a 2015 study2 saw that they were likely to behave aggressively and destructively to any signs of exploitation. Their actions feel reactionary to avoid being attacked.

Developing an anchored, consistent sense of self allows you to move through life with stability. For people with a victim complex, they often have a negative self-concept. It's typical for them to think of themselves as weak, unlucky, too sensitive, an easy target for bullies, or prey for bad behavior.

While the causes and the qualities of a victim complex are clear, the research is still ongoing. With recent research, Williams notes there is evidence suggesting that the victim complex may actually be a personality trait, existing as a core aspect of a person's identity since it's supported by their developmental and cognitive processes.

"As a result, you as the child are left feeling immense guilt for a situation that you had nothing to do with. As a child of parents with a victim complex, you may struggle in adulthood to set and uphold healthy boundaries, voice your own needs, and may gravitate toward people-pleasing," she adds.

People with narcissism deploy the victim narrative when they believe they can benefit from making the other feel guilty or use a past experience to avoid liability. ("My ex was an awful person; that's why it's so hard for me to trust again.") ("My mom didn't love me when I was growing up; that's why it's difficult for me to show you the care you deserve.")

Williams and Mateer share some tips on how to interact with someone who sees themselves as a victim, including:

"Oftentimes, those with a victim complex gravitate toward people who they think can save them. While you may be well intentioned in trying to help, that can often perpetuate the victim state for the person with the victim complex," she says.

"Setting healthy boundaries in your interactions with someone with a victim complex is important while also gently reminding them of their own power in the situation and reiterating that you support and believe in them to handle it," Mateer advises.

On that note, she recommends not fueling their victimhood with excessive attention and sympathy and focusing on centering the conversations on empathy and neutral ground. While you want to be there for them, you also don't want to create codependency or nurture black-and-white thinking where there's a clear villain and a powerless victim.

Remind them they have autonomy over how situations play out. While there's a possibility for things to go wrong, gently guide them toward the possibility that there's also the chance things can work out too.

"Several therapeutic approaches can help you understand why you feel the way you do and can empower you to improve the quality of your life—like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) motivational interviewing, and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT)." 

And if you're someone who may be sensitive to victimization, know that change starts with self-awareness. By releasing the compulsion to see yourself in limitation, it is possible for you to build the self-confidence, compassion, and kindness needed to reclaim your story.