11 Telltale Signs You're Dealing With A Toxic Person

The term "toxic" gets thrown around a lot these days—but what does it actually mean? Odds are, you've met a toxic person or two throughout your life, but sometimes they can be hard to spot. Here, we dig into what being toxic really means, signs to watch out for, and how to deal with toxic people in your life.

That said, some people can have toxic traits without necessarily realizing the effect they're having on other people. (We have a toxic person test, by the way, in case you're worried you might be the toxic one.)

"They'll put you down and insult you, often in a passive-aggressive or backhanded way," Neo says. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe they make jokes about something you're sensitive about to get a rise out of you, or perhaps they withhold affection to punish you for seemingly no reason. "All they want is to make you squirm—they thrive on that," Neo says.

Any sort of dishonesty, whether it's deceit, lying, or general secrecy, is a sign of a toxic person, according to Spinelli. This one is tough, depending on how good of a liar you're dealing with, but if you catch them in a lie, especially more than once, don't take it lightly.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation, but it gets its own callout because it can be hard to realize when it's happening to you. Gaslighting is essentially when someone denies your reality with phrases like "you're making things up" or "you're being dramatic" when you express your thoughts and feelings. This is toxic, Neo and Spinelli agree, and can lead you to distrust your own intuition and experiences. (If you notice it's happening to you, here's how to deal with gaslighting.)

Toxic people do not want to take the blame for anything, and they'll make sure they don't. Not only do they display a lack of responsibility for their actions, Spinelli says, but they'll often deflect blame onto others.

According to Neo, toxic people have no concept of (or respect for) boundaries. If you set a healthy, reasonable boundary, they'll trample all over it, she says, adding they'll even make it your fault for "being too sensitive" if you get upset when your boundary is crossed.

Does this person support your goals and dreams? Are they happy for you when something goes right in your life? Are they interested in your wants and needs? If the answer to these questions is no, Spinelli says, that's a toxic person. Even when they do make feigned attempts at support, it can often come off as "toxic positivity," which is essentially insincere optimism to avoid actually holding space for someone.

Going back to the idea of energy vampires, Neo and Spinelli agree, toxic people are an extreme drain to be around. "They are depleting and leave you feeling exhausted," Spinelli says. Neo concurs: "They create stress, depletion, and negativity to those around them."

According to Spinelli, toxic people are likely to create a power dynamic. They don't want relationships with mutual respect and reciprocity but rather ones where they have the upper hand and can manipulate the people around them. (See: one-sided friendships.)

Similar to the aforementioned power structure, toxic people will not only encourage but create a codependent dynamic, Spinelli says. If you're being gaslighted and your trust in your own self has diminished, you'll lean on this toxic person even further, Neo explains, which is exactly what they want. "They will do their ultimate best to isolate you from people in your life," she adds.

Toxic people want to make you squirm. So, Neo says, don't be surprised when they can't seem to resist starting a fight. For example, they may know you have an early morning the next day and ask to do something late that night, just so you'll have to say no and set that boundary. "Then they'll tell you you're being difficult or demanding," Neo adds.

And lastly, Neo explains, the more sophisticated toxic people who know when they've done wrong (because they did it on purpose) may apologize to you. But that apology won't be sincere—"they make it all about you, and make it all your fault," she adds, with phrases like "I'm sorry you think I was wrong" or "I'm sorry if I upset you." And remember, an apology without change is manipulation in its own right. (Here's the right way to apologize, for what it's worth.)

When a toxic person has a hold on you, you'll find yourself accommodating them, making poor choices, and getting caught in drama. This all leads to an overall diminishing of self-esteem and self-worth, and even anxiety and depression, says Spinelli.

Last but certainly not least, Neo also suggests doing some trauma work, because toxic people will know how to hit you where it hurts. "Make sure you heal the trauma, respond wisely, and you are strategic," she says, so that they can't trigger you.

No one deserves to be emotionally manipulated or abused in any way, so when it comes down to it, your best bet is to maintain as much distance as possible.