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The 3 Main Conflict Styles In Relationships + How To Handle Them
In even the most amorous of relationships, conflict happens. It's a part of life, but not all of us handle conflict the same way.
Rather, according to psychologists John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., leading relationship experts, founders of the Gottman Institute, and authors of Fight Right, most of us will have conflict styles that fall into one of three categories: avoiding, validating, or volatile.
As the Gottman's explained on an episode of the mindbodygreen podcast, here's what each conflict style means, plus how to work with yours:
Avoiding conflict style
First up, we have avoiding couples. These are the couples who "agree to disagree," according to the Gottmans. "They may say what their position is on an issue—but they don't try to persuade the other person that they are right and the other is wrong," Julie explains.
Instead, these are the couples who say, "'OK, we have a difference, let's move on.' They don't try to fight or even just discuss in great length why their position is true for them," Julie says.
And for the most part, the Gottmans add, two avoiding people can have good relationships for the most part, so long as they don't let deeper issues that really matter fester without talking about it.
Validating conflict style
Next up, we have validators, which the Gottmans say are the people who may disagree, but they talk through their own position and listen to their partner, as well.
"[Validators] present their positions with a little bit more calmness, more rationality. They don't get explosive emotionally," Julie notes, adding, "They really are very calm and kind to each other as they are trying to decide on a resolution to a difficult situation."
Volatile conflict style
And finally, the third group are called volatile couples. "And volatile couples are the really passionate, intense couples who will argue for their point of view, who will get very emotional at times—who may even get flooded physiologically, meaning they'll go into fight-or-flight—and they'll escalate the quarrel to the ceiling sometimes," Julie tells mindbodygreen.
In short, these are your couples who get really intense but at the same time much more vulnerable, when they're talking about a problem, the Gottmans say.
How to work with your conflict style
So, whether you're avoiding, validating, or volatile, how do you navigate conflict in a partnership? According to John, it's important to remember first that conflict isn't necessarily a bad thing, so long as you have a ratio of five positive experiences in your relationship for every one instance of negativity or conflict.
With that said, the Gottmans do note that couples tend to run into trouble when one person is volatile and the other is avoiding. As you might imagine, this can create an intense push-pull cycle where the volatile partner won't let something go, while the avoiding partner pulls away even more.
"The volatile person is really wanting to get to the solution and they're pursuing the other person to talk about the issue more and more and more, when the other person really wants to avoid talking about it," Julie says, referring to this dynamic as a "pursuer-distancer conversation."
On the other hand, avoidant-validating couples do "quite well," according to the Gottmans. It's easier for the avoiding partner to be open and receptive to the validator, they explain, because the avoiding partner won't feel overwhelmed by the validator's calmer, more rational approach.
If that sounds familiar, here's what to do, according to the Gottmans: The volatile person must realize that when their emotions are at a high peak, their partner is likely not going to respond well.
"By [bringing down] the intensity a little bit to more evenly match the level of emotion of the validator, they're on more of an equal playing field, and they really can listen to each other—as opposed to pushing each other around emotionally," Julie explains.
Of course, that's easier said than done. But with a little practice, you can notice when you start getting volatile, take a beat and a breath, and try to deliver your position calmly with kindness.
The takeaway
At the end of the day, any two conflict styles can make a relationship work with empathy and understanding, along with an ability to self-regulate when one of you starts getting volatile. And remember, what really counts is that magic ratio of 5:1. Conflict doesn't have to be the end of the world, especially if you take the necessary steps to repair in the aftermath.
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