A Mom & Psychotherapist Explains The Trap Of Raising "Obedient" Kids

As a mother, I've noticed a dual desire to raise kids who follow the rules and kids who break them. I want my kids to be authentic, which means expressing themselves and therefore sometimes making my life more chaotic and challenging. But I also want them to get in line so that the family engine runs smoothly. 

When I reflect on why there is a part of me that values "following the rules," it's because I interpret the lack of it as a reflection on me or my parenting. For example, if my kids don't say "thank you," on some level I believe people will think that I haven't taught them how to be thankful humans. I've done enough self-work to think critically about this and maintain both connection and separateness from my children; however, if unchecked it's easy to have a narcissistic investment in our kids. 

Many of us grew up in households where in order to get the approval or acceptance from our parents, we needed to be like them. We then take this way of being and project it onto our children, saying consciously or unconsciously: "I will be more approving of you if you are in alignment with me."

But what the research shows is that children are more likely to stand up to peer pressure if they are used to asserting their opinions and disagreeing with their parents. 

So, how do we both support authentic expression with our kids and encourage them to be cooperative people?

As little people develop and learn about the world, they determine what their limits are. What is possible for me to do? Where can I say no? What happens if I say no? How do people respond to my limits? Children learn by experiencing, not by what we tell them; in psychology we call these natural consequences. For example, a baby might learn not to touch the radiator by touching it. A teen might agree to shower only after a classmate tells her she stinks. 

Many times, in the busyness of life, we don't pay attention to what our kids are resisting. We want to set the limit for them rather than show them how to determine their limits. I do not tell my kids to "be careful" but rather ask them a series of questions to help them identify if they are safe or unsafe. I might say: "Are your feet firmly planted on the base of the tree you're climbing? Can your arms reach a solid branch in case you slip?" Rather than say "get down, that's not safe." 

A child's "no" is an important limit for parents to listen to—how we respond to them sets children up for becoming adults who respect their own boundaries and those of others. Pay attention to what types of things your kids are saying no to.

When do the no's get expressed? To whom? Instead of fighting their resistance, go with it by getting to know it. Inquire about why they don't want to get ready for school? What do they dislike about broccoli? What is annoying about having to have dinner with family? Investigating their desires and limits allows children to feel like they matter and like there is an investment in being understood by us.

It's human nature to take an opposing position to authority if we feel we have no power. If I tell my 5-year-old she must dress up for dinner, she wears the shirt in her drawer with the most stains. If kids feel like we aren't on their side, they will need to double down on their side. 

While it's a good thing to have limits as a parent, remember that opposing or disagreeing with your rules doesn't mean they don't have to follow them. It may mean that the opposition needs to be heard, validated, and respected. 

Many times we think we have to convince our kids why our position is best for them. Instead, I recommend validating the hell out of their position before redirecting to yours.

Validation (Affirming their position) + Empathy (Relating to their position) + Holding your parental boundary (Stating your limit) = Relationship building without compromising safety or respect.

An example: "Of course you want to go to that party without chaperones (validation), I loved being unsupervised as a kid (empathy), that sounds so fun. And in order to make sure you're safe, I am going to need to know that there is an adult present (holding your parental boundary)."

Notice I use the conjunction "and" instead of "but" because "and" implies that both my and your feelings matter, neither of us needs to be negated. These simple statements are the building blocks for reciprocity and mutual respect.

Sometimes our adult brains don't align with our children's brains. Asking a toddler to sit through dinner is not reasonable. Asking a teenager to avoid all risk is not appropriate. Sensation seeking and risk taking is a key part of this developmental stage.

In the tough moments, remind yourself that some of what you might experience as "disobedient" or defiant is actually a developmentally appropriate expression of self. 

When we raise children, we are teaching them to be part of a community. Following an authority's rules doesn't empower them to make wise choices and can feel oppressive.

Consider creating shared agreements, where everyone in the household presents ideas for ways to show up and be a good community member.

How do we show respect? How do we show love? How do we express our dislike when we don't get our way? How do we express our creativity? How do we make room for rest, fun, or safety in this family?

We live in a world where rules need to be broken. Racism, sexism, classism, and other oppressive systems abound. It is a good thing to ask why; it is a good thing to defy.

Ask yourself if you want to raise a rule follower or if you want to raise someone who has a position and is interested in learning about the positions of others.