Average Number Of Sexual Partners For Women & Men: What's Normal?

It varies a lot. There's a lot of research on lifetime sexual partners, and any given study will give you slightly different numbers. But in general, anywhere between 4 and 8 partners is considered an average number of sexual partners for adult men and women.

There's no specific number of sexual partners that is universally considered a lot or too many partners. Everyone has their own personal opinion on what the ideal number of sexual partners is based on their own individual preferences, values, priorities, cultural backgrounds, and experiences. What's a high number of partners to one person may be considered average or even low to another person.

Unfortunately, people still judge one another based on the number of sexual partners they've had. Research suggests people still care quite a bit about this number and are still pretty quick to lay down judgments if a person's number (or their own) is too high or too low. 

Some studies3 show people are less willing to date somebody as their number of sexual partners increases and view people as less intelligent, kind, honest, or trustworthy as that number goes up.

A lot of people are specifically curious to know how many men the average woman has slept with and what counts as a high number of partners for women. Although we might not realize it or intend it this way, our instinct to judge women who sleep with a lot of men is rooted in sexism. While men are praised by their peers for having sex with a lot of people, women are shamed for it. Psychologists refer to this sexist phenomenon as a sexual double standard4.

Some research shows people view women who've slept with a ton of people as less confident than they do women who've slept with fewer partners. One study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found women, in particular, view more promiscuous women as "less competent, emotionally stable, warm, and dominant." Another 2019 study found people assessing peers' "values, likability, success, and intelligence" viewed sexually experienced women more negatively than sexually experienced men.

Yes, how many people a person has slept with or how regularly they enjoy casual sex can tell you a lot about them. A person's number of sexual partners could potentially shed some light on things like their personality (more sexually adventurous people naturally tend to be more extroverted), how social they are (they tend to have more friends), their interest in alcohol (they tend to drink more5), and what their views and values are as they relate to sex (they tend to be more sex-positive3 and liberal).

If it's on your mind, it's usually a good idea to talk about it. Keeping secrets from your partner or feeling like you're avoiding something can create distance and tension in the relationship.

All that said, it seems people are pretty weird about talking to their partners about their number. The 2018 Dr. Ed survey found some 29% of people said you should never have to tell your number to your partner, whereas 54% of people said you must tell your number to your partner. That's a lot of absolutes. And interestingly, a quarter of people said they've never been asked about it by a partner before—which also speaks to a weird hush-hush around the subject.

In fact, research shows that people tend to lie about how many people they've had sex with. Men are more likely to exaggerate and inflate their number, whereas women tend to underreport it. (Although the Dr. Ed study found nearly a quarter of both men and women will undersell how many people they've been with by 10 or more partners.)

These findings speak to not only what kind of expectations society still has for people's sexual experience (often based on their gender) but also how deeply those expectations affect people—to the point that they feel the need to lie about their life experiences. Being unable to genuinely represent yourself to other people can be stressful, isolating, and emotionally stifling, especially if shame is what's at the heart of your reluctance to be authentic.

When it comes to evaluating your partner's number, it might help to take a moment to consider why you feel the way you feel about the idea of them sleeping with more or fewer people. If your response to their number (as told to you or imagined) is a negative one, consider what emotions are behind your viewpoint: Is it rooted in insecurity, shame, or jealousy? Are you upset with your partner for not sharing your values? Are you simply following along with abstract social norms without really questioning them?

Take some time to sit with those feelings, or discuss them with your partner if you feel comfortable with it. At the end of the day, a person's sexual past doesn't have much to do with how they'll treat you in the present. And we know that people who have lots of sexual partners before marriage still go on to have perfectly happy, healthy relationships. After all, sex in long-term relationships is very different from single sex.

As much as people seem to fret about their number of sexual partners, there's not a lot of consensus about what's "normal" for the average person. What one person sees as an appropriate number of partners might be what another person sees as way too many and what yet another person sees as too few.

The truth is, there is no ideal number of sexual partners. As long as a person is happy and satisfied with their sexual experiences—whether they happen quite frequently or they're few and far between—then they're already at their own ideal.

Some people love the thrill, excitement, and novelty of getting intimate with a variety of people; some people are only interested in that kind of intimacy with someone they love. Some people aren't interested in commitment and thus tend to steer toward casual relationships; some very committed people still love casual sex. A number alone can't tell you which of these people you're dealing with.