Are They A Narcissist Or Just Self-Confident? Here's The Difference

If you’re a millennial, take selfies, and post on social media, you might wonder if you’re a narcissist. Or if that confident person in your life actually has narcissistic personality disorder. 

But what if I told you that the person who isn’t bragging and thumping their metaphorical chests but is instead exhausting you with their never-ending stories of victimhood might be the real narcissist in your life? There are many types of narcissists, including the more covert narcissists; for example, they might one-up you with how miserable they are as though it’s a competition. Narcissists can even cleverly wield spirituality as a weapon or learn the rules of empathy to trick you.

Confidence is about knowing and appreciating your own qualities and worth, and that’s a good thing. Narcissism involves an exaggeration of and obsession with one’s qualities and worth. Craig Malkin, Ph.D., expert on narcissist psychology and author of Rethinking Narcissism, states that we all have some degree of narcissism; the scales tip when unhealthy narcissism is an addiction to feeling special, that one has no qualms lying, cheating, or stealing in order to procure that high. 

Naturally, we’re all prone to a little envy at times, especially if the person we’re comparing ourselves to comes from similar backgrounds, which is very different than being envious of Bill Gates. The difference between confidence and narcissism is whether we tear someone down. Narcissists demand the spotlight to be thrust upon them all the time. So, even if they publicly declare they are happy for someone (or you), watch what they really say behind closed doors. They might say things like, “Oh, they’re just lucky” or anything else to try to put down someone else’s successes. 

A confident person can promote others’ growth, including simple things like giving others space to talk and shine. A narcissist, on the other hand, may appear to let you speak, but they’ll wrench the spotlight back in an obsessive manner. I’ve spoken to many narcissists who told me their tactics for dominating their conversation, down to a step-by-step manual. Try bringing up an obscure irrelevant topic, and watch the narcissist make it all about them. Or, in an irate fashion, steer the topic away.

Having empathy for someone goes beyond practiced responses like, “That must feel like crap,” to demonstrate that you may care about how someone feels. Many successful narcissists learn early the scripts on what to say without meaning a thing—essentially the difference between cognitive and affective empathy. 

A sign of disingenuous empathy is when someone responds with a generic platitude and then goes on to make it all about them, such as how their suffering was bigger than yours or how they are more resilient. Another sign is when they start comparing their responses to yours, a telling phrase being “How come I'm not like that?” or “How come I didn’t do that?” Otherwise, they’ll force some solutions and help down your throat, insisting they know better.

I get that there are some opinions we hold near and dear, and hearing others’ opinions may threaten the very foundations of how we live our lives. But there’s a difference between standing with your values and forcing your opinion on someone. A narcissist will do the latter to you, even if it’s around the most mundane topics. 

The narcissist thrives on wrecking boundaries. It’s part of hurting others, and it’s also part of how they feel superior, knowing they’ve pushed someone way beyond their limits. If your “no” doesn’t align with their interests, you “do not know how to have fun.” Or it’s, “You’re so ungrateful. I’m just trying to help you.”

That isn’t to say that a confident person may not nudge you out of your comfort zone at times. Perhaps it’s to try something new or to challenge oneself in personal or professional growth. But that’s always around something healthy, they will seek feedback to adjust the parameters of your interaction, and they will not shame you.

Confident people can acknowledge the dark and the light sides of their life and of themselves; this is authenticity. Narcissists often can’t admit their flaws or their insecurities, though some may learn that they’re “supposed to” do this and play along.

Another way narcissists may deal with their vulnerabilities is by making everything a competition, essentially creating a race to the bottom. A narcissist has to shine brighter than you—and they’re even superior in their sufferings. We all have our dark periods in life. The difference between a confident person and a narcissist is that the confident person shares their experiences during the dark times. But the covert narcissist’s life is centered around that, and their life is often a deteriorating train wreck.