Why Curiosity Can Improve Your Relationships & How To Make It Second Nature

Decades of data are clear: If we want to live longer and be happier, it pays to strengthen our relationships. But that isn't always easy to do. Family ties end up on the back burner, partnerships crumble, and friends drift apart.

Curiosity is a "vitality amplifier," says Todd Kashdan, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at George Mason University and author of Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life. Kashdan, who has studied curiosity for almost 20 years, describes it as the driving force behind learning and the desire to seek new knowledge and experiences.

That said, having the motivation to explore novelty isn't enough. You also need the ability to cope with the anxiety that can arise from confronting the new.

When something is uncertain, in our environment or within ourselves, curiosity sparks. At first, facing this ambiguity can feel uncomfortable. But leaning into it can create a self-perpetuating loop of feel-good emotions like flow, happiness, and meaning, he adds.

This drives the propensity to be more open in the future. Whether a song on the radio inspires you to pick up the guitar or traveling to an unfamiliar place helps you see your partner in a new light, being mindful of when curiosity strikes can help you identify things you cherish and enrich your relationships. 

Cultivating "deep curiosity" can be particularly powerful, says Scott Shigeoka, a lecturer on well-being and connection at the University of Texas, Austin, and author of the new book, Seek: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life and Change the World.

On the heels of the 2016 U.S. presidential election and the country's surging divisiveness, Shigeoka felt overwhelmed. He could see political polarization seeping into his own family and friendship dynamics. Like a lot of us, he found himself arguing across the dinner table and drifting away from loved ones. 

Shigeoka grew sick of feeling angry and sad all the time. So, he packed up his belongings and hit the road, roaming the country for a year with a single goal: find a way back together. He went to anti-LGBTQ+ group meetings, Trump rallies, and church services, speaking with those who he felt were opposed to his perspective as a liberal, queer Asian American.

Shigeoka noticed a common theme across these settings: People weren't curious about what they saw as "other." They were afraid and, in turn, kept their distance.

"We are living in an era of 'incuriosity,'" Shigeoka says. "Instead of turning toward others, ourselves, and the problems in the world, we are turning away in denial." Engaging in deep curiosity is a way to become curious about the opinions of others—even if they seem wildly different from your own.

Curiosity is a universal feature of human behavior that's been studied for over a century, but the science isn't settled. Like other characteristics, including gratitude or grit, it's tricky to measure. It also overlaps with qualities like open-mindedness or novelty seeking, so pinning down how curious an individual or a community is isn't easy, says Celeste Kidd, Ph.D., a developmental psychology researcher and professor at the University of California, Berkeley. 

Some leading experts, including Kashdan, argue that there are five core dimensions of the trait, allowing us to do things like recognize knowledge gaps, experience wonder, learn from others, accept anxiety in service of discovery, and take risks. Others break the concept down into three types1, including diversive curiosity (the transient desire to explore new things), epistemic curiosity (the thirst for knowledge), and empathic or social curiosity (the yearning to understand other people's thoughts and feelings). 

No matter its forms, it's clear that curiosity sets off a cascade of positive effects: It releases dopamine2 and boosts energy. Over time, practicing it is associated with higher levels of life satisfaction, improved mood, better job performance, a greater sense of purpose, and increased perseverance and grit. Being curious enhances the learning process and helps people better store memories. Trying new things and seeking new information builds self-efficacy and resilience to future stressors too. 

Curiosity can be a major boon to your social life as well. Curious people tend3 to be more open-minded, playful, creative4, and emotionally expressive, and they have greater tolerance for anxiety and uncertainty. They're often less defensive, aggressive, or judgmental with others, research shows5.

We're all born with a natural baseline6 of curiosity, but our reserves of it aren't fixed. Kashdan says curiosity is trainable and shaped by experience.

Curiosity operates on a spectrum, so it's important to consider the individual variation among people, adds Kidd. In the throes of a panic attack, traumatic episode, or depression, for example, curiosity understandably takes a "nose-dive," Kashdan explains. It also dwindles in situations where questioning authority is discouraged, like a high-pressure work environment or school setting, Kidd says. But even when it wanes, we can actively renew it with practice.

The next time your friend or partner brings up something you usually find boring, try shifting into a curious state. Instead of rolling your eyes or changing the subject, muster genuine interest. Why? Because these small moments are considered "bids" for connection: attempts to gain attention, affection, or acceptance, Shigeoka explains. And calling on your curiosity to turn toward these interactions, not away from them, can feed relationship satisfaction and intimacy.

Typically, when meeting someone new, people fixate on their "opener" and worry that others will think they're awkward or weird (though, of course, this negativity bias3 rarely holds up when people reflect on the interaction).

Instead of getting caught up at the beginning of your conversation, Kashdan recommends focusing on the volley—the back-and-forth of the exchange. Get curious about what others seem to care about, using body language as a cue. When someone's speech speeds up, their pupils dilate, or they become more animated, these are signs to engage beyond the surface. 

We all experience grief, failure, health scares, and heartbreaks. Rather than fighting against negative emotions or events, getting curious about them can actually reduce their effect, Shigeoka says. Start with your breath: Asking yourself how deep or shallow it is, and adjusting accordingly, can help calm your nervous system. 

Conflict often kills curiosity at the outset, but actively working to stay curious in tense moments can keep disagreements from escalating, Shigeoka says.

If you encounter a situation that stirs anger or strong emotions—maybe your partner makes an inappropriate joke at a dinner party, or you come across protesters who vehemently disagree with—cross-check your initial reaction. Instead of jumping to negative conclusions, imagine an alternative hypothesis for someone's behavior, Kidd suggests. Our gut takes can be unreliable and rooted in unconscious bias, so proactively scrutinizing them can reveal whether they are justified or knee-jerk responses.