How To Use The Anger Iceberg To Work Through Conflict & Emotions

We've all felt anger in our lives, perhaps some of us more than others. But what if anger is "just the tip of the iceberg"? That's the theory behind the Anger Iceberg, and understanding it can help with fostering emotional intelligence.

The Anger Iceberg was first coined by The Gottman Institute, a team of researchers spearheaded by psychologists John and Julie Gottman. Their mission is to help couples and families work through difficulties and cultivate stronger, more loving relationships. Their research led to an understanding of anger as often a mask or cover for deeper emotions. This can be any range or combination of emotions, including grief, jealousy, loneliness, fear, anxiety, exhaustion, pain, embarrassment—the list goes on.

The Institute notes that anger need not be suppressed, as it is a valid and necessary emotion for understanding what's going on inside of us. And further, that understanding anger empowers individuals to have constructive, healing conversations around their pain.

Conflicts happen, and when they do, it's important for all parties to have a basic understanding of the Anger Iceberg and the fact that anger may not be the primary emotion at play. As holistic, clinical psychologist Nicole Lippman-Barlie, Ph.D., tells mindbodygreen, "It's helpful to use this kind of metaphor during situations of conflict as it reminds us to look beneath the surface of our immediate feelings and potential impulses of why we are feeling angry."

For example, perhaps you're dealing with the death of a loved one, and the grief, pain, or even guilt of that loss is bubbling up on the surface, leading you to lash out at friends and family. That anger is often protecting you from the deeper, more vulnerable emotions involved in loss that are more challenging to express.

"Like any other emotion, the feeling of anger is communicating something to us," Lippman-Barlie notes. "The iceberg makes us aware that we need to look further into why we are feeling angry and what other emotions have led to the anger we are currently experiencing."

Now that you know about the Anger Iceberg, you can ask yourself, where is this emotion coming from? To do this, Lippman-Barlie recommends paying attention to the things (thoughts, feelings, experiences) that led to your anger. This will also help you identify specific triggers in the future.

When our emotions are overwhelming (and confusing) us, it can be difficult to focus on anything else. But understanding them will help you channel that energy into things you'd rather focus on, "whether that's making a societal impact and contributing to a cause, or changing something in your personal life that you are unhappy with," Lippman-Barlie adds in closing.