9 Markers Of A Happy Relationship, From Experts Who Study Couples For 20+ Years

That theory lists nine very specific markers—we've shared them all below. 

Technically two separate tenets, but the Gottmans couple them into one overarching group. In fact, they say if you think of a successful relationship as a house, trust and commitment are the walls (aka, the bones). The other seven are the levels of the house—still important, but they cannot exist without the foundation. 

Commitment is pretty straightforward: According to the Gottmans, it's the simple fact of knowing you're on a lifetime path with your partner, without deviating from that path. (Plus, it turns out, a sense of commitment has some very real physical health benefits.)

Of course, we are all human beings, and we can make mistakes. "But for the most part, trust is there."

Meaning, truly understand (and map out) your partner's internal world. Says Julie, "What are their feelings, their values, their needs, their priorities, their most embarrassing moment in childhood, their favorite flower? It really is asking questions to keep [yourself] updated on who your partner is and how they're evolving over time, and your partner is doing the same with you so that you feel known."

Yes, trust and commitment may be the bedrock of your relationship, but it's never a bad idea to reiterate how much you love and respect each other. "You can't just think it and assume your partner knows because you said it a few times during the early phase of the relationship—they need to keep hearing it," Julie adds. 

Now, that 85% is important to note—it's not that you have to engage 100% of the time (Sometimes you're just tired! We get it!), but the general sense of connection is what's important here.

The former highlights a positive perspective in a relationship, while the latter demonstrates a negative perspective. "And this isn't one that you shape just by itself. It's influenced by the quality of those first three levels—love maps, fondness and admiration, and turning toward," Julie says. In other words: These levels can build upon each other, either in a positive or negative way.  

Rather than criticizing them, describe what you feel: I feel upset, or I feel angry. Then, says Julie, "follow that feeling description with a positive need—what you need in order for your partner to shine for you." So if the kitchen is dirty, you could say, "Would you please clean it up?" 

The next level? Honor each other's dreams. Sounds simple, but Julie notes that it can sometimes relate to conflict: "Sometimes what we're in conflict about is related to a deeply held dream that we have about a particular issue," she says. Meaning, those dreams can help you deeply understand where your partner is coming from during arguments. And if you do honor each other's dreams, "the compromise is much easier because there's compassion between you," Julie adds. 

Let us explain: You do not have to have the same purpose in life as your partner—that's not what the Gottmans are saying at all. "What it means is that you talk about your own individual sense of purpose and meaning with your partner," says Julie. "You share it, you talk, and then you try to support your partner to really live out that life purpose." 

While this list of tenets is pretty specific, don't use it as a checklist of hard-and-fast rules—every relationship may have a different set of needs, after all. Rather, feel free to refer to these markers as a guide, without getting too granular, to determine whether your relationship is veering toward the right path. The Gottmans have studied relationships for over 20 years—and these criteria, time and again, have been shown to work.