5 Ways To Have A More Spiritual Relationship, From A Couples Counselor

Many couples find themselves unhappy or empty in their relationship. The physical bonds can naturally fade as life's responsibilities and the safe routine set in—even for those partners whose initial union felt soulful and natural, deep and passionate.

Two years into what I thought was a surefire marriage, a lack of connectedness caught me by surprise. I thought once you find an amazing person then, sure, the relationship will take effort, but the closeness and fulfillment would simply expand naturally. I had no idea at the time that my husband and I were missing a deeper spiritual connection, both individually and together.

Rather than breaking us apart, we used this marriage crisis to break us open. Looking back, we were definitely on the brink of a quest for a more spiritual relationship.

Spirituality is a popular word and pursuit these days. More and more people are hungry for a soulful experience, seeking to transcend the relentless concerns of physical reality and to connect to something profoundly real that lies beyond their everyday self.

Some people find their spiritual life woven into their church, synagogue, temple, or mosque, where they seek awe and comfort in the beliefs, moral codes, and rituals of their faith. Spirituality is intertwined with their religious association; this typically comes with being part of its culture and community. 

Until recent times, religion and spirituality were regarded as the same thing. While these concepts still overlap, since the onset of the twentieth century, they have grown increasingly distinct. According to Pew Research Center, a growing number of Americans consider themselves spiritual but not religious. Religion generally leans towards practices and beliefs of the divine, emphasizing what's right and wrong, true and false. Spirituality is a broader concept leaving room for soul-searching and different meanings for different people.

Seeking a more spiritual life is typically driven by a desire to unify with something bigger than ourselves and to viscerally experience the connectedness and love essential to our being and Source. Nourishing the very human desire for peace, meaning, and purpose are also fundamental to seekers of their spiritual side. 

What does all this mean for our relationships? Whether it’s through our traditional affiliations or our spiritually-minded practices, bringing the divine into our relationship connects us to endlessness.

A purely romantic, physical, or transactional relationship keeps us dwelling in the limited reality of time, space, and motion, where everything comes to an end, eventually. Even if relationships last, it's all too common that the fulfillment proves finite.

When we apply spiritual concepts to our relationship, we tap into the infinite, which blows open the gates for a more meaningful bond—one that not only has a greater chance of survival but allows our relationship to grow endlessly more loving and satisfying. Yes, endlessly! 

I define a spiritual relationship as a bond that a couple builds together through how they live their spiritual values and beliefs and support one another to become who they are meant to become. The oneness that is created reveals spiritual Light for eternity, and not only for the partners themselves but for everyone they touch–directly and quantumly.

Everything you do to help improve the overall quality of your relationship builds the foundation for growing more spiritually connected with your partner. This foundation comes simply by way of good relationship habits.

Each time you choose a good habit with your partner—for example, when you act kinder, give a compliment, show up for their needs, forgive, see the good in them, plan something fun, address conflict calmly, focus on appreciation, show care about their dreams, give love in their language, or take the time for a meaningful conversation—these positive actions add up. 

Ultimately we are the creators of our relationship, one good habit at a time. 

After 34 years of marriage, my husband and I recently had one of the deepest conversations we've ever had. It wasn't easy, but we got to a buried concern of his, which showed me something about myself that I really want to change. I felt so much love in my heart after he opened up, from his tender vulnerability and the bullseye feedback he ended up giving me.  

This growth-promoting event points to a cornerstone element in what makes a relationship more spiritual: helping each other become who we are meant to become. To do so means caring about our partner's soul, not just getting our needs met or relief from our own discomfort. We want to commit to investing in our partner's growth to help (not control) them to reach their highest fulfillment.

As spiritual teacher Monica Berg put it in her book, Rethink Love, a partner in a soul mate relationship is willing to become “your ally in sculpting your ideal self and bringing out the person you dream of becoming.” Likely, if a need of yours is not being met, there is a trifecta benefit to be gained by addressing it together–one for your own healing and growth, another for your partner's elevation as a human being, and then there's the incredible unifying experience of growing together.  

Many people consider a spiritual relationship one that has compassion for the world and a desire to add value. Sharing beyond ourselves, especially to those we don't know, taps us into the energy of endlessness where fulfillment is quantum and has no limits. We can't see how far our kindness and sharing ripples out into the world. The energy couples create together when they use their union for the sake of sharing with the world, this generates perpetuity, never disappearing.

Many couples don't discover their spirituality until later life stages, and partners don't always align. If you have differences in your desire for growth and spirituality—and if you lack alignment in your beliefs and practices—this can be challenging but not necessarily a dead end. Learning to embrace each others' differences is a spiritual practice in and of itself.