Why Some People Don't Like Kissing During Sex (Yes, It's Normal)

Young people may be more likely to find the act of kissing during sex, in particular, to be "too intimate," according to a 2019 study1 published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. Among people under 30 who said they had not kissed during their last sexual encounter, 20% said kissing would have been too intimate with that person. Across all ages, one in five people who hadn't kissed during sex the last time they had it said it was because they just don't like kissing at all.

The study asked 1,493 people about what acts happened during their last sexual encounter, focusing specifically on kissing, cuddling, and massaging. Some 87% of people reported kissing their partner, 70% reported cuddling, and 23% reported massaging. Among those who did at least one of these three things, 20% reported doing all three of them.

Interestingly and perhaps depressingly, people in monogamous relationships were less likely to kiss their partner during their last sexual encounter: Just 61% of coupled-up people said they kissed their partner the last time they had sex. Monogamous couples were also "substantially" less likely to cuddle (just 32% of people in relationships said they cuddled the last time they had sex). The researchers couldn't parse out from the data why that might be, but it's common for sex in long-term relationships to change over time.

Interestingly, 10% of people who initially said they had not kissed during their last sexual encounter later said they actually had kissed but "it was not very passionate." In other words, these people had kissed during sex but didn't really "count" it as kissing because it wasn't that intimate.

"Kissing and cuddling appear to be critical aspects of postcoital affection and are associated with sexual and relationship satisfaction," the researchers explain in the paper. "Moreover, kissing, cuddling, and massage have been described as important aspects of sexual intimacy."

People who kissed were more likely to cuddle, and people who did at least one of the three acts (kissing, cuddling, or massage) were three times as likely to say there was a lot of emotional intimacy during that sexual encounter.

That said, only cuddling was significantly associated with more sexual pleasure and more emotional intimacy. Kissing during sex was not associated with more pleasure nor more intimacy. Clearly, more so than kissing, cuddling can be a seriously enjoyable experience for people.

"We all know that feeling of comfort that washes over us when we enter the embrace of a loved one," writes William Cole, functional medicine practitioner and mbg Collective member. "Any kind of touch, including hugs and cuddling, releases the hormone oxytocin from your brain's pituitary gland. This hormone is often referred to as the 'love' hormone, as it's the primary hormone that peaks during orgasm and can actually increase bonding in couples."

Young adults and people ages 60 or older were more likely to report cuddling, which the researchers suspect is because it can serve as a pleasurable alternative to penetrative intercourse, whether because you're still young and taking things slow or because you're older and may no longer be able to or interested in genitally focused sex.

Overall, these findings remind us that sex really does look different for everyone. We each have pretty unique interests, desires, and turn-ons, and it's important to never make assumptions about what a person wants from sex. As long as it's consensual, safe, and pleasurable, do your thing.