7 Signs You’re Getting Defensive, From Couples Therapists

Picture this: Your partner comes to you and brings up something you did yesterday that upset them. They seem pretty frustrated about it. But you’re a little taken aback—because you don’t think there was anything wrong with what you did. You know you didn’t mean to upset your partner, and you have a valid reason for why you did what you did. So, you explain all that to them.

“Why are you getting so defensive?” they ask.

“I’m not being defensive!” you snap back.

In the heat of the moment, you’re 100% convinced that you’re just stating the facts of the situation and sharing your point of view. And that’s not being defensive, right?

The truth is, it can be hard to recognize when we’re being defensive. Defensive behavior is so common in arguments that it may feel like just part of the normal back-and-forth of two people hashing out a disagreement.

“To be defensive is to react with an overprotective mentality to a situation that perhaps doesn't warrant it,” marriage therapist Linda Carroll, LMFT, writes at mbg. “Rather than listening with an open heart, we respond with our metaphorical shields up and weapons drawn.”

Listen, we’ve all been there. It’s a natural instinct to want to defend ourselves from threats, whether that threat is a saber-tooth tiger leaping at us from the bushes or your wife asking you why the laundry never got done today.

But the problem is, defensiveness is anathema to connection. When we defend ourselves in conversation, typically it’s at the expense of our partner feeling like their needs and emotions matter. We prioritize protecting our ego over caring for our partner and our relationship.

“There are very few scenarios in which we truly need to defend our point of view. Rather, we are mostly driven to do so by the desire to be right,” Earnshaw writes at mbg. “In these moments, we are held within the grips of the ego, which acts as a barrier to authentic communication and connection.”

Defensiveness can have disastrous consequences for a relationship. According to research by psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D., defensiveness is one of four communication habits—dubbed the “four horsemen”—tied to an increased likelihood of divorce.

First thing’s first: Make an active effort to reframe your mindset in these conversations. Instead of trying to come out of the conversation being right or looking like a good person, set a goal for yourself to make your partner feel validated and cared for.

When your partner brings up an issue with you, start by directly expressing validation for your partner’s feelings and perspectives, says Earnshaw.

Your second goal should be to find at least one part of their concern that you can take responsibility for, no matter how small. Carroll recommends imagining that any criticism pointed at you has 100 grains, and even if 99 of them are false, there is at least one grain of truth to it that you can acknowledge and apologize for.

If you feel it's important, you can always share your own point of view about the situation later when the temperature is lower, and once your partner knows that you’re hearing and understanding their point of view.

Lastly, remember: It’s okay to have upset someone. We all unintentionally irritate or hurt our loved ones from time to time. You don't need to prove why you didn't mean to do it, or why they shouldn't be so upset, or otherwise try to clear your name.