What To Do If You Think Your Husband Isn't In Love With You + 38 Signs To Look For

"My husband doesn't love me anymore."

Maybe this heart-wrenching thought has crossed your mind recently. If so, there are two things to recognize right way: First, even though there may be some signs your husband isn't in love with you, you can't know for sure until you actually talk to him about what's going on.

There may be an infinite number of reasons your husband might feel distant or seem unloving at the moment, even though he may still be in love with you.

Secondly—and most crucially—if you're worried that your husband isn't in love with you, you have a problem whether or not that turns out to be true.

Even if nothing has changed at all in your husband's feelings for you, the fact that you're questioning his feelings at all is a signal that something needs to change in the relationship so that you can feel more secure.

People are generally affectionate with the people they love, and the sudden or gradual disappearance of that affection may be the first sign that a person is falling out of love. "A big sign is when he stops doing the little things that he did 'just because,'" marriage therapist Racine Henry, Ph.D., LMFT, tells mbg. "Has he stopped making you coffee in the morning or bringing you flowers on a random Tuesday?"

Note: Different people may express love in different ways (hence, the five love languages), so a lack of gifts or kisses alone doesn't necessarily mean your husband doesn't love you. It's a change in behavior and a decrease in previously present forms of affection to look out for. "A change in routine can be a glaring clue that his feelings have changed," Henry says.

"Another sign is how he chooses to spend his time," Henry says. "If he has more excuses to be away from you and/or away from home, it could be because he's finding pleasure in other activities and people."

A man also doesn't necessarily need to be leaving the house to be seeking time away from their spouse. "Many husbands retreat into work and hobbies naturally," Manly says. "When a husband routinely begins to overwork, spend more time with hobbies, or chronically engages in activities that decrease couple time, it's a sign that something is wrong."

When interesting conversation has disappeared from the marriage, it's not a great sign. "If a once-communicative spouse is no longer interested in bonding discussions, fun interchanges, or daily banter, that partner's level of loving affection may be decreasing," Manly says.

Note: Sometimes people go through phases of being too stressed, distracted, or simply disconnected such that they're simply not feeling particularly chatty after a long day of work. So talking a little less than you have in the past doesn't necessarily mean your husband isn't in love with you anymore, especially if it's only a recent or temporary phase.

Many men are not raised to be as in touch with their emotions, Henry notes, so if this has never been your husband's thing, it shouldn't be alarming. But if you've noticed your husband has shifted toward being more private and less open with you than he has been in the past, that might be a sign that something is off. "Think about how much he talks to you and opens up about his fears and plans," Henry says. "If your husband has become more closed off to you, this could be a sign that his feelings have changed."

Is your husband as concerned as you are in maintaining the relationship and making sure the two of you are feeling connected and secure? "In some cases, a husband may tire of the investment required to keep a relationship healthy and fulfilling," Manly says, which could be a sign that he's not as invested or may be falling out of love.

If your husband says he is not in love with you, it's important to critically consider what you want to do and how you want to move forward. Importantly, the marriage doesn't have to be over if your husband is willing to work through this with you and wants to find ways to fall in love all over again.

According to Henry, it's about recognizing the difference between being in love and loving someone. "Being in love doesn't equate to whether you love someone or not. I think being in love can be an ebb and flow, whereas loving someone should be more constant," she explains. "The marriage doesn't have to be over because feelings have changed. I think it's unrealistic to expect that the intensity or level of feeling will be the same over time because circumstances can have negative impacts on the relationship."

Perhaps something has pulled you and your husband apart. But if you're both still committed to working on the relationship, it's possible to bounce back. On the flip side, if your husband knows his feelings won't change again—or he isn't willing to put in the effort to see—then it may be time to consider divorce.

It's also worth noting—because many people may wonder—if your husband says he isn't in love with you anymore, Henry says it doesn't necessarily mean it's because he's in love with another person. There are many reasons people fall out of love, and most often it has to do with people simply growing apart.

When you're ready, bring up your feelings and observations with your partner. Manly stresses the importance of being open, honest, and respectful when you have this conversation: "Use 'I' messages, and listen carefully to your partner's responses. Take time to let the responses settle in, and strive not to be defensive," she says.

Once you and your husband have clarity about what's going on—and he's shared whether or not it's really true that he's no longer in love with you—then you can mutually talk about what you want your next steps to be.

"If your husband is game for working on the marriage, that's a terrific sign. Unless one or both partners are unwilling to work on the marriage (including attending therapy), returning to a place where both partners feel loved and valued is truly possible," Manly notes.

If you feel lost in the decision-making process, or can't seem to get through conversations about this difficult topic, Manly says working with a professional might be helpful. "If you and your partner want to refresh or save the marriage, seeing a skilled marriage therapist is a wise move," she adds. "Many people don't take this step and later regret not having tried."

If you do decide that you're willing to work on your marriage together, then it's time to start making small changes as a couple to recreate feelings of intimacy and affection in the relationship. "Try to come up with a plan together about how to get back on track. Be patient with yourself and your husband as you work on repairing the marriage," Henry says.

Keep in mind: Your husband will need to make efforts to make sure you feel loved and secure going forward, but likewise, there may be changes you need to make too. "If there are areas where you feel you could improve (e.g., being more communicative), do your best to evolve in that way," she says. "No matter what, any self-work you do will benefit your mental and emotional health in the long run."

While there may be many clues that signal your husband isn't in love with you anymore, you can only know by having a direct conversation about it. If it turns out to be true, it's up to both of you what comes next: You can choose to work on rebuilding your marriage, or you can choose to leave it. Both options are valid and both can be healthy paths forward.