20 Signs Of Manipulation & What To Do If It's Happening To You

When you want something in a relationship, it’s good to exercise honesty. However, if your partner can’t be direct, they may cross into boundary-crossing behavior like manipulation to get you to do what they want. 

“Manipulation is the act of purposefully exerting psychological control over an individual for personal gain,” defines Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D, clinical psychologist and author of Date Smart. “Manipulation is inherently unfair and, although often subtle and indirect, manipulation can also be very explicit.”

Because of its ambiguity, manipulation can be a slippery concept to get a hold of because it exists on a spectrum. On its less-extreme side, you’ll likely experience confusion as your life is subtly rearranged to match your partner’s preferences. On its most extreme end, the manipulation takes on a dark, insidious tone if they’re covertly pushing you towards a specific outcome. In the process, you may lose your sense of self which prevents you from recognizing the psychological disorientation. 

To quickly recognize manipulative behavior, Manly recommends confiding with a trusted friend or talking to a therapist to keep track of potential manipulative patterns. But above all, she suggests keeping a journal as soon as you realize something is off. 

“Trust your gut when you feel manipulated, and then write about the experience in a journal. Journaling is a terrific way to gain objectivity—especially when you can objectively assess patterns that you’ve journaled about over time,” she advises. “Within a week or two, you’ll likely detect patterns that help you objectively notice whether or not you’re in the midst of manipulative strategies.”

It’s normal to want your partner to show up for you the way you hope. If you’re in a relationship with elements of manipulation though, the opposite will happen. Instead, Manly says you may start to harbor doubts, wondering if your expectations are too high. Your manipulating partner may make you feel like your needs are too much and unrealistic, which could have you expressing less and ignoring what you care about. 

For example, maybe you want to celebrate your birthday with a special date, but your partner is too consumed with work to meet your request. Instead of thinking about how they can make your day special, they may reverse it by minimizing your feelings. The end result is you pulling back the request and believing you are too much. 

Raja says if you’re feeling isolated from your friends and family because of your partner, that’s an indicator that something is amiss. Your partner shouldn’t be controlling who you see, when you see them, or actively trying to keep you from spending time with people. In healthy relationships, they want to be a part of your inner circle. 

When you’re being manipulated, there’s no room for what you want in the relationship. “You start wondering if you’re worthy and lovable; as if your self-esteem is taking a hit,” Manly says. It’s all about your partner, their needs, their desires, and what they’re comfortable giving. After a while, it can feel like nothing you care about matters–even you. 

Manly previously mentioned, the manipulation of your worth could be more explicit. They may use your history, fears, and insecurities against you to bring you down and create a culture of codependency through emotional manipulation tactics like negging.

"You feel as if there are two sets of rules—one for you and one for the person you’re dating,” Manly says. From their perspective, they can do no wrong. If they do something that hurts your feelings, it’s because of X reason so you should cut them some slack. But if you’re going through a tough time and not able to step up, they’ll guilt you to do it anyways. 

“Manipulative people tend to monopolize conversations—it’s rarely about you, and when it is, you either feel like they’re not really listening or they somehow find a way to turn the conversation back around to themselves,” Raja points out.

It’s all about your partner and their comfort levels. If you ask them for more than they want to give you, they resist and deflect any attempt at a constructive conversation. “You're feeling like you're constantly making sacrifices or compromises to please the manipulator, but not getting anything in return,” Raja explains. “The relationship feels one-sided, leaving you feeling drained and exhausted.” 

If you believe you’re being manipulated, it’s important to call out their words, actions, and motives in real time so you can prevent additional emotional violations. When manipulation goes too far, you may question yourself instead of recognizing the root of the problem–your partner.

“Overcoming manipulation takes a combination of self-awareness, other-awareness, and strong boundaries,” Manly says. “As you become more in touch with your own responses to another person’s manipulative dynamics, you can begin to create strong, healthy boundaries that put a halt to the toxic patterns,” Manly says. 

Manly lays out a potential scenario. Let’s say you’re being manipulated into paying for the bulk of expenses, and you want to put healthy boundaries around finances. “You might say something like, ‘I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to have money to cover dinner when we go out. I realized I’m paying for most expenses, and that doesn’t feel right to me. In the future, please make sure you have cash with you before we head out. Otherwise, I’ll plan on staying in.’”

Raja agrees on the importance of practicing assertiveness so it can help you build an equal and respectful dynamic with your partner. This also has the positive benefit of developing a more positive self-image when you know how to say no and speak up in situations where you’re being taken advantage of. 

A caveat: Raja notes it’s possible your partner could be manipulating you without realizing the impact their words or actions have on you. “They may use guilt-tripping to get you to do what they want, without realizing that they are putting excessive pressure or emotional burden on you,” she says as an example. “Or they may use passive-aggressive behavior, such as giving you the silent treatment, without realizing the hurtful and anxiety-provoking impact it has.”

Healthy relationships are predicated on mutual love, respect, and trust. When manipulation is in the picture, these core tenets can’t exist because the manipulator is taking away what makes you unique: your autonomy and personhood. They’re not seeing you for who you are, but what they want you to be. That isn’t love.