How To Spot Controlling People: 13 Behaviors To Look For

Controlling behavior isn't always physical aggression and outright demands. In fact, if someone doesn't know what to watch out for, it's possible they won't even realize they're being controlled. Here's why some people are controlling, behaviors to look out for, and how to deal with any controlling people in your life.

Anyone can have controlling tendencies and behaviors, including friends, family members, co-workers, and romantic partners. A person doesn't necessarily need to be a "bad" person to have controlling tendencies.

For someone who has "control issues" or a fear of the unknown, they often don't trust themselves or feel secure enough to meet any challenge or tolerate an unknown situation. So, in order to regain some sense of security, they exercise their will in any way they can.

Simply put, controlling behavior can look very basically like controlling all the decision-making in the relationship (romantic or non). Richmond says this can include everything from trying to decide where the other person can travel, where they go out to eat, what to order, or who their friends are.

Whether a parent, a friend, or a partner, disrespecting someone else's boundaries and privacy is controlling behavior, Richmond says. You see it in parents who take the doors off their child's room, for example, or a partner who repeatedly denies your need for space and alone time.

There's nothing wrong with checking in with someone while they're out from time to time, but as Richmond notes, if it's incessant or seems increasingly agitated, that's a sign they're coming from a controlling place. For example, she says, if you're out to dinner with your friends and your partner keeps texting "Where are you? Who are you with? Send me a picture so I can see where you are," that's definitely controlling.

"It's because of their abandonment issues and insecure attachment," she adds. "This fear that you'll choose someone else, and you being out in the world makes that more of a possibility than if you were home with them."

Financial control is very real, and one of the quickest ways a controlling person can make someone dependent on them. Richmond says this can look like dictating what's purchased, dictating a budget, and/or being overly critical about another person's purchases.

If someone is actively seeking to isolate you from friends and family, that's a surefire sign they want to control you, Richmond notes. Not only does this limit your support system, but it reinforces your dependence on the controlling person, similar to when they control spending. It comes down to limiting the resources you have so you have to rely on them.

Over time, this can lead someone to doubt (or at least deprioritize) their own needs. And as therapist Mariel Buquè, Ph.D., previously told mbg, if the thought of sharing your true feelings makes you feel guilty, that's a sign "there is control at the center of your relationship."

Richmond says the insecurity that drives controlling behavior can cross over into the bedroom. One example, she says, can be if a partner doesn't want to use sex toys as a couple. "Let's say a female partner didn't get off and grabs her vibrator," she explains. "A controlling partner may feel threatened or diminished by that and say no sex toys in the bedroom."

Gaslighting, or making someone question their own experience by denying or deflecting, is another way a controlling person will try to manipulate another. As therapist Aki Rosenberg, LMFT, previously told mbg, "Gaslighting at its core is always about self-preservation and the maintenance of power/control—namely, the power/control to construct a narrative that keeps the gaslighter in the 'right' and their partner in the 'wrong.'"

Another control tactic some people will use is doing nice things for others but only so those people are indebted to them, Richmond notes. This is common in one-sided friendships, where the friend only does things for their own gain, but it can certainly happen in romantic relationships, too. Once the good deed is done, this person may repeatedly bring it up, remind you that you "owe them," and let it hang over your head.

This lack of trust triggers their insecurities and makes their need to control you even greater. Research has also shown excessive jealousy is often linked to narcissism1—which brings us to our next point.

"Trying to grab control of everything is archetypal narcissist behavior," licensed therapist Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D., LMFT, previously wrote for mbg. She explains that because narcissists are continually disappointed with the imperfect way life unfolds, they try to control it as much as possible. "They want and demand to be in control, and their sense of entitlement makes it seem logical to them that they should be in control—of everything," she adds. (Check out our guide to spotting a narcissist for more information.)

As licensed therapist Weena Cullins, LMFT, previously explained to mbg, conditional love is a controlling behavior. For example, a controlling parent may withhold love as a control tactic. "Withholding love, affection, or approval when a child fails to meet their standard," she says, is a sign of a controlling parent—but that same principle applies in relationships, too.

How you deal with a controlling person depends on the relationship dynamic. Here's how to handle controlling behavior from a few of the most common perpetrators:

From there, how they respond will be telling. Do they take accountability and change their behavior? If not, and they continue to disrespect your boundaries, it's probably best to walk away.

If not, you can create some space or choose to end the friendship entirely. As therapist Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMFT, previously explained to mbg, "Ending the friendship may be as simple as no longer initiating contact or plans as frequently and allowing the connection to naturally fade."

(For more tips on dealing with controlling parents, check out our guide.)

If you ever feel unsafe due to someone else's behavior, trust your gut and remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible.