Should I Stay Or Should I Go? How To Know Whether To Break Up

Breaking up isn't only hard to do—it's a big decision. We've asked experts for help on how and when you should break up with your boyfriend, along with how to know if it's worth staying together.

Remember that either choice is valid: The decision to break up with someone, while sometimes painful, is an act of taking care of yourself and your needs. And on the flip side, the decision to stay doesn’t mean you can’t leave later on. So, give yourself some compassion and consider both options with an open mind.

As much as you may love the good parts of your relationship, if the moments where you actually get to enjoy those good parts are few and far between compared to the moments where you’re filled with stress and dissatisfaction, that may be a sign that it’s time to break up.

Violating your boundaries might look like pushing you to do things you’re not comfortable with, willfully ignoring your needs and expectations after you’ve clearly articulated them, or putting your physical or emotional well-being in harm’s way with his actions.

We all deserve to be in relationships where we feel fully safe to be ourselves and voice our needs without fear of volatility, retaliation, or abandonment.

Bruneau recommends basing your decision of whether to stay with this person on what they’re like right now, not on some future idea of who they might change into.

Does he regularly lie to you or otherwise break your trust? Has he engaged in infidelity (or even micro-cheating) enough times to make you constantly worried? If you’re finding it difficult to feel secure in your relationship and trust him because of his constant betrayals, Cullins says that’s a sign that you may be best served in just letting him go.

“If you are unable to be with him without lying or breaking his trust,” she says, or “if you struggle to be faithful because you aren’t quite satisfied with him,” respect both him and your own inner needs by ending the relationship.

Do you find yourself constantly nitpicking and criticizing him? If you struggle to respect, value, or accept your boyfriend for who he is, Cullins says that’s a sign that you may not be a match. You should be with someone who you think highly of and who you’re grateful to be with, and your boyfriend deserves to be with someone who sees him that way, too.

While these issues can be worked out if you’re both willing to make it work, Cullins says it’s also okay to end a relationship over these types of life incompatibilities if they truly matter to you. You’ll need to decide for yourself which differences you can live with and which ones would be far too difficult to overcome.

It’s okay to date someone casually, but if you know you and/or your boyfriend are ultimately looking for a serious and long-term relationship, then it’s important to be thoughtful about your decision to remain together. If you know you can’t see yourself with this guy in the long run, Cullins says, it’s likely in both people’s best interests to break up and move on.

The truth is, nearly any issue in a relationship can remedied, managed, or otherwise dealt with as long as both people are willing to put in the work. If you haven’t yet talked to your partner about the problem and made mutual attempts at remedying it, that may be an option to explore before immediately jumping to a breakup. You may find that a solution can be found with just a little elbow grease. Couples therapy can also be a great option.

According to Cullins, effort is a good sign that things can improve. So if you know your heart’s truly in it, and you know he’s trying to make changes to the relationship to make it work for you, those are all green flags and signs you should stay together to see if your challenges can be worked through. Change takes time, but if you’re seeing the seeds being planted, you may benefit by waiting to see what grows with a little patience and dedication.

Maybe you have trust issues, but you’re working through them in therapy. Maybe he has an avoidant attachment style, but he’s trying to move past that old programming. If the problem isn’t actually something related to your relationship, and the person who is dealing with the issue is actively seeking to resolve it, the relationship may just have a fighting chance.

These fears may have nothing to do with the quality of the relationship you’re in, and so Cullins recommends really looking within and exploring your reasons for wanting to break up thoroughly. If you’re wanting to leave because a good thing scares you, you may benefit more from learning to accept a bit of risk and vulnerability in order to accept love into your life.

And remember: Breakups aren’t always permanent. If the relationship is ultimately meant to be, your partner will feel the same way about your relationship ending, and you will be able to return to each other and explore things once again.

It can be painfully difficult to decide to break up with someone, but sometimes, breaking up is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Take your time thinking through what’s going on in your relationship, and talk to your boyfriend about the issues you’re seeing. See what can shift and be worked on. If changes aren’t or can’t be made, give yourself permission to walk away.